THE TALON

Girl Scout Cookie Rankings

When the cookie crumbles, which is best?

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An American classic, something as patriotic as the bald eagle and as tasty as apple pie – Girl Scout cookies are seemingly as important to the foundation and progression of the United States of America as George Washington, George Clooney, and Curious George combined. However, along with their nationwide stardom comes much, much controversy among the connoisseurs of these delicate treats. From the mainstream choice of Thin Mints to the cult classic of Samoas, Girl Scout cookies stir up the American pubic like no other seasonal snack. With Girl Scout Cookie Season in full swing, my boy Chase Mikey and I are going to divulge our personal rankings of the nationwide staple snack – Girl. Scout. Cookies. Chase, you kick it off first sir.

First Place

           Chase – Tagalongs

I know this may surprise some (Thomas), but Thin Mints ARE NOT the best Girl Scout cookie. The Tagalong explodes in your mouth with a sensual combination of peanut butter and chocolate. I personally know about a thousand people with peanut butter allergies who still consume these cookies, as there’s nothing a good Epipen can’t fix.

            Thomas – Thin Mints

With all due respect Chase Michaelsen, your opinion is completely and utterly wrong and I believe deportation is the most fitting punishment for your crime. Thin Mints deserve the crown simply off of their historical significance. When Abraham Lincoln sailed across the Atlantic in search for the fountain of youth, he had three things on the Mayflower with him: freedom, a bald eagle, and a big ole bag of slightly cooled Thin Mints.

Second Place

          Chase – Thin Mints

The staple of the typical four year old’s diet, Thin Mints have been around since the days after the American Revolution. By far the highest-selling cookie for the Girl Scouts, everyone seems to love this chocolate mint recipe. I have always been a fan, but for a long time I was misled that eating these would make me thinner.

          Thomas – Tagalongs

While I do believe Chase was wrong with making Tagalongs his number one choice, there is absolutely no denying how gosh darn tasty these cookies are. Tagalongs are the perfect culmination of the most perfect combination ever created: peanut butter and chocolate. One bite of these cookies will give you the concentration of organic orange juice with the strength of Elmer’s glue. And no, I am not exactly sure what that means, but I know it fits the description of one bite of a Tagalong.

Third Place

          Chase – Savannah Smiles

I actually haven’t had these that often, but every time I have eaten them I’ve enjoyed the combination of shortbread and lemon. With a powdered sugar accent, Savannah Smiles are the perfect cookie for a tea party or a Finer Things Club meeting.

           Thomas – Samoas

The most bold flavor of them all, Samoas combine what makes a Twix so good with an island blend of coconut. A tasty snack unlike any other, Samoas are a groundbreaking cookie. As polarizing as these are, some tend to love Samoas, while others tend to the opposite of love Samoas. Not much else to be said.

Fourth Place

          Chase – Samoas

I’m in love with the coco!”

— OT Genasis

“I’m in love with the coco!” These treats add a suave, tropical flavor to the basic cookie recipe with the addition of coconut and caramel. Every time I bite into a Samoa, the Sun comes out and most of my clothes come off. However, this feeling is not enough to surpass those cookies further up my list.

           Thomas – Trefoils

This pick might be considered somewhat of a hot take, but the simplicity of Trefoils make them perfect for almost any occasion. Sweet, delicate shortbread fills your mouth with warmth and happiness. They won’t make you tingle like the top three, but they will still satisfy you enough to keep coming back for more.

Fifth Place

          Chase – Toffee-tastic

I’m going to be honest with you guys here, I’ve never actually eaten one of these cookies. They kind of look like a cookie with leprosy if it was more tasty and likeable to some. However, still kind of a turn off, sorry toffee lovers.

           Thomas – Do-si-dos

With a name this dumb, Do-si-dos deserve to be in the bottom four. Honestly, these taste pretty good but I just cannot get over that God-awful name.

Sixth Place

          Chase – Trefoils

These cookies are more vanilla than Logan Paul in a Japanese forest, almost too vanilla perhaps. The shortbread is a delicious taste, but the crumbs are just too much sometimes. Unless you have a broom and dustpan on hand, don’t bother with these cookies.

            Thomas – Savannah Smiles

Once I knew a girl named Savannah. She and I didn’t really get along that well. One time she stabbed me with a spoon, and I responded by putting a rock in her book bag every day for the rest of the year until it was too heavy for her to carry. Because of my disdain for the name Savannah, Savannah Smiles are not good.

Seventh Place

          Chase – S’mores

This is the newest release of the Girl Scouts, who describe them as “crunchy graham sandwich cookies with creamy chocolate and marshmallowy filling (YUM!).” Personally, I have my doubts about the ability to make a cookie taste as good as a hot s’more. If Guy Fieri doesn’t ok these soon, I will never try them.

           Thomas – S’mores

The one Girl Scout cookie I have never actually eaten, I can only assume that S’mores constantly leave you coming back for s’more. Also, there’s no way they are any worse than Toffee-tastic. Those things are the worst.

Eighth Place

          Chase – Do-si-dos

Peanut Butta, Peanut Butter, Peaaaaaanuttttttt Butttttttteeeeerrrrrr. That’s all that these cookies have to say. More of a cracker than a cookie, I have a tough time believing that these will actually make me dance.

           Thomas – Toffee-tastic

These suck. 0/10 do not recommend.

 

We’re pretty sure that everyone reading this article has at least eaten a Thin Mint, but it’s time for you ladies and fellas to expand your tastes. Take a walk on the wild side for us.

 

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