Have you ever wondered what it would look like if our very own AMHS teachers had superpowers?

I’m not talking about basic superpowers, like super strength or fire. Those are a bit overdone, to be honest.

I mean something more like the quirks from My Hero Academia—super specific abilities that fit the user’s personality, and may or may not be actually useful. Like an extra limb, or unbeatable skill levels in a very niche area.

In the following list, I have assigned a number of teachers with super specific, unique superpowers based on their interests and actions.

Ms. Shifflette- Purple Pen

Ms. Shifflette’s superpower would be the ability to write anything into existence with her magical Purple Pen—the very same one that has graded all of our awful freshman essays. She could create or destroy empires with a simple stroke of the pen.

Luckily, knowing Ms. Shifflette, she would only use this ability for good: teaching students to write, and taking care of her cats. No Death Note situation here.

Mr. Stackhouse- Golf Champion

Mr. Stackhouse’s ability would make him the ultimate golf champion. He would have the power and stamina to hit a golf ball as far as 1 mile with a single strike, and the pinpoint accuracy to land the ball in an exact spot. If he wanted to, he could essentially win every golf tournament in the world. 

A world where Mr. Stackhouse actually has this ability would be terrifying: imagine procrastinating your psych homework only to receive a golf ball to the head, sent from miles and miles away. 

Ms. Yackey- Frisbee God

Ms. Yackey’s ability would be to instantly K.O. anyone with her superior frisbee abilities; it would be nearly impossible to fight her. One toss of the frisbee and her enemies would be instantly pulverized.

Luckily, she would probably only use her ability to attack bigots and meanies. As long as you treat other people with respect, you would be safe. 

Honestly, you can’t convince me that Ms. Yackey couldn’t take a man out with a frisbee already, regardless of magical ability. I’ve never had her for a single class, and even I can feel the sheer power she radiates.

Ms. Desbrow- Hush

Ms. Desbrow’s power would be to instantly quiet a room—and not just because of her large personality. The minute she starts singing in her angelic opera voice, everyone else’s jaws would go shut. 

This is another ability where I refuse to believe that Ms. Desbrow couldn’t do this already. Ask her to sing for you sometime, and let me know if you could really talk over it. 

Sra. Oliveira- Mindfulness
When Sra. Oliveira meditates, she would transcend to a higher plane of existence. From there, she would be able to see all of our thoughts and feelings and everything else in the room without even opening her eyes.

The ability would definitely be enhanced on Mindful Monday. The only way to defeat her is to gang up on her as a class and crack your knuckles periodically during the meditation session.

Ms. Roop- Whisper

Ms. Roop’s superior scientific knowledge would allow her to communicate with all marine animals. This ability would make perfect sense, since she already knows so much about marine life. And, with her power, she could make so many new scientific discoveries by vibing and talking with rare or mysterious ocean creatures.

The greatest benefit if Ms. Roop actually had this ability would be finally hearing the thoughts of Remy—the iconic tortoise vibing in the corner of the biology classroom. What are his thoughts on the school? Why does he constantly try to jump off of tables whenever we let him roam free? The world, unfortunately, may never know. 

Sra. Calabrese- Eradication of Los Quack-Quacks

Sra. Calabrese’s ability would be to send any bird in her vicinity into the dark and swirling void of space with a single glance. A pigeon, landing on the telephone wire? Eviscerated. A seagull, stealing her sandwich at the beach? Deleted from existence. A goose—or, as she would call it, “un quack-quack”—chasing her down the street while she runs in fear for her life? Pulverized.

Unfortunately, Sra. Calabrese is stuck dealing with the nuisance of birds just like the rest of us. If you have her for a class, make sure to ask her about “el quack-quack” if you haven’t already.

Ms. Zerbst- Non-Stop

Ms. Zerbst’s power would be the ability to be continuously moving—and never sleep. No caffeine necessary. Just constant productivity and energy.

This is yet another case where I’m unconvinced Ms. Zerbst doesn’t have this ability already. How else would she have time to read tens of essays, remember who each one belongs to, and continuously offer each author pointed and specific feedback? Magic.