With the new class of ‘23 on the block, seniors Caroline and Mason are here to give the freshmeat some sage advice on surviving the perils of their first year. A little Q & A action never hurt anybody! Thanks for the submissions!!!

Question 1: I feel stupid at Magnet. Everyone seems so much smarter than me! -A Freshman Girl

Don’t feel bad! We all felt dumb at Magnet our first month, and in fact the teachers make it a point to weed out the weaklings by turning up the heat the first few weeks. You will hit your stride eventually young grasshopper, and it helps to remember that intelligence is not quantified by scores, but rather how well you procrastinate. Hard work really does pay off in the long run. Never forget that you are, in fact, a cute lil smarty for being at the #1 HIGH SCHOOL IN THE NATION.

Question 2: I am a boy wanting to join the Dance Team, but I am embarrassed by what my peers may think of me. -A Freshman Boy

• All we can advise here is to FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!!!!!!!! What’s wrong with a man breakin’ it down on the dance floor. Absolutely nothing. You go be that Justin Timberlake. In life, you must follow your dreams no matter the cost, and we promise you will be happy. I guarantee your friends will support you, otherwise they are losers and you are better than they are. So, let’s get beat boppin’! YUH! 

Question 3: The kid that sits in front of me in English has some pungent B.O. Should I ask my teacher to switch seats or should I tell him he reeks? -A Freshman Girl

• Ooof that is a tough one. You should politely slip a stick of deodorant into his backpack with a sticky note that states “for you,” when he is not paying attention. Everyone deserves a chance to have good hygiene, especially your putrid friend. If that little maneuver does not do the trick, slowly start moving your desk away from him each day until you are on the opposing side of the classroom. It’s subtle, but effective. Trust us on this one 😉

Question 4: I am looking for some young freshman love, but I do not know how to find it. Help! – A Freshman Boy

• Don’t lose hope, little one. Have patience. Good things come to those who wait, and with our help you will not be waiting too long. First, you need to scout the pack. This can be done at any social event, and we recommend using football games or the freshman carnival to find some freshies you’re vibing with. Once this is done, all you need to do is slyly ask for those digits or slide into those DMs if you have their handle. Some tried and true pick up lines are as follows:
  • Are you French? because Eiffel for you.
  • Is your name Google? Because you’ve got everything I’m searching for.
  • My love for you is just like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
  • It’s a good thing I have my library card, because I am totally checking you out.
  • Are you from China? Because I’m China get yo number.
  • Are you a cat? Because I’m feline a connection between us.
  • And the classic, from Joey Tribiani himself, “How you doin???”

Question 5: I have been getting a lot of pushback from my middle school friends about going to Magnet. They call me a Magnerd and act like they are better than me now. -A Freshman Girl

• Firstoff, you are a billion times better than those heathens, and they are likely just jealous of your swagger because they want to be as smart as you. As Kim Kardashian so wisely puts it, “You are just jealous that you cannot drive a Bentley and you’re trying to ruin my moment for me.” Well, one thing is for sure- you can’t support your so called friends’ hubris because it will only fuel their narcissism. We know it is lonely at the top, but try to find solace in the fact that they will work for you one day.

Question 6: I saw this cute senior, and I think it was love at first sight. -A Freshman Girl

• Run. Abort mission. Absolutely not. How old are you? Where your parents? So many questions, such little time. The bottom line though, is no. Just no. While older students may appear more mature and intelligent, the freshmen to senior gap is just too big of a bridge to cross, and it is also HIGHLY illegal as most seniors are 18 and you are most likely only a mere 15 years young. Gross. Don’t be THAT person. In time, you will understand the social intricacies of our school and be enlightened to appropriate bachelors or bachelorettes for your age. 

Question 7: I am worried we will have a lame wall and get bullied by the upperclassmen. -A Freshman Boy

• Fret not, for your wall is destined to fail as is the fate of all freshmen walls. I am kidding of course because some freshmen walls have actually done quite well and beaten the sophomores in the past. The key to a successful wall and spirit week in general is to go all out. We cannot stress this point enough, and we are sure it is highlighted in other articles in this publication. If you contribute money, resources, or materials, you will be fine. Try to have some fun in the process too. You gotta have that freshmen year yolo. 

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