The Zodiac Signs as Grocery Stores

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You need food to survive. You get that a grocery store. Now depending on when you were born, the stars choose where you buy your food. Let’s get down to business.

-Aries (The Ram): Walmart

Picture this. It is 11pm, and you really need a snack. No place better to go for an Aries better than Walmart.  A location for you to ram into someone into the parking lot, not be able to find a single thing, AND yell at a cashier. And you can all do this in one place. Walmart. Only the aggressive can survive this thunder-dome.

-Taurus (The Bull): Piggly Wiggly

As you may know, Piggly Wiggly’s around the world are closing. And Tauruses are stubborn. They will drive halfway around the world in order to shop at Piggly Wiggly. Piggy Wiggly even has its own merch. Need I say more.

-Gemini (The Twins): Big Lots

Similar to Big Lots,  Geminis can’t be trusted. Why is there a store where you can buy furniture, toys, medicine, and groceries, all in one place. This represents the many sides to a Gemini’s personality.

-Cancer (The Crabs): Publix

Publix, where shopping is a pleasure, is known for its family-oriented branding. Cancer are known for being very caring and close to their family. How cheesy. Cancers are also very imaginative. Publix with an “x”, now that is very creative. Innovation that excites, Publix.

-Leo (The Lion): Whole Foods

Leos, you are loud, gregarious, and a social butterfly. That’s why you and your yoga pants shop at Whole Foods. It is the same thing as joining a cult. Leos go for Whole Foods not for the food, but for the experience. You want to show off how much money you have by how much organic produce you can buy.  Although be careful not to stay overnight.

-Virgo (The Maiden): Harris Teeter

You left, you look right, you look behind you. There are 3 Harris Teeters. You look around, you are somehow inside a Harris Teeter. They are taking over. In reference to Piggly Wiggly, the Pig on James Island was slaughtered by a Harris Teeter. This represents the dominating nature of Virgos.

-Libra (The Scales): Bi-Lo

The name, Bi-Lo, itself is balanced. Similar to the scales that represent Libra. Picture this, you are in Bi-Lo, there isn’t much to it. Kinda basic. This is just like a Libra, the Goldilocks. That is why this description is so short, Libras aren’t very interesting.

-Scorpio (The Scorpion): Doshers

So you are Scorpio. That means you are certifiably insane and the only place you can shop where nobody questions the blood on your face, lack of shoes, and the fact that your pants are backwards is Doshers.  There is one Doshers and nobody really knows what it looks like inside. Somehow it is still open. This relates to the mysteriousness of a Scorpio. Are you are the Taco Bell strangler? If so, you are a Scorpio.

-Sagittarius (The Archer): Local Farmers Market

If you are Sagittarius, ,you have commitment issues. You can’t pick one store and be loyal. A farmer’s market provides you with variety. You like to ponder about the meaning of life as you smell locally grown Tomatoes. You are a granola person, but honestly you probably just leave the Farmers Market and go to Harris Teeter.

-Capricorn (The Mountain Sea-Goat): Costco

You are realistic and don’t have time to leisure. You go grocery shopping once and year and stockpile at Costco for their wholesale prices. You buy 200 rolls of toilet paper, if you run out before the next year, there is always nature.

-Aquarius (The Water-Bearer): Earthfare

Aquariuses pretend to be healthy, so they go to the second best Wholefoods, Earthfare. Here you can wear your stinky Birkenstocks and let your dreads fall on the floor. Earthfare even provides a discount if you haven’t showered in a month, as long as you claimed you were conserving water.

-Pisces (The Fish): Trader Joe’s

So you are a Pisces. You are an emotional wreck. This is why every dinner is a frozen Trader Joe’s meal. You always kneel to pray when the Trade Joe’s bell rings. Who is Joe? Joe Biden? Joe Jonas? Joe is the Pisces in all of us.