THE TALON

The Return of Aquaponics

Everyone's favorite way to kill fish

Every year there is one event that is always a telltale sign that the end is near. No, I’m not talking about Spring Break. Aquaponics. As every Magnet student knows the freshman class is tasked with creating a fully functioning ecosystem in the confines of a fish tank. Almost all of the science labs are overrun with plants and fish and enough trickling water to make you pee your pants. While this project is very stressful, it is accompanied by the radiant glow of Summer which is only just around the corner.

aQuaPoNicS Is EviL”

— PETA

Any upperclassmen you speak to most likely has their own exciting, embarrassing, or heartbreaking story about their aquaponics endeavors. One former student and dear friend of mine Chase Michaelsen (I love you <3) even had his project sabotaged by an unknown and sinister force (you can read of this fateful attack in the Talon article “The Unsolved Genocide of Magnet”). Current Senior Andrew Zimlich was foolish enough to allow his fish tank to empty out onto the floor of Ms. Desbrow’s classroom, leaving his fish to suffocate and die wondering where their father Andrew was and whether he was going to save them or not. He did not.

I’m a terrible father”

— Damon Wegner

Daniel Murphey, a current Junior and all around stand up guy, had perhaps the most exciting story of them all. He came into class one day to find that his fish had infact begun mating and had laid hundreds of eggs. Big Dan was going to be a grandfather. However, it turned out that the “eggs” were actually empty JUUL pods which had found their way into the tank right under Dan’s nose. Interesting.

All of this boils down the simple fact that Aquaponics teaches us students a valuable and heavy message at a young age: Coping with death. Whether it be the death of your beloved fish or maybe even the death of a foreign government leader this project forces you to deal with losing a loved one. For freshman Damon Wegner this lesson came all too soon. Damon has already lost one of his fish. Though not confirmed I believe its name was Gavin. This loss rocked Damon to his core, with his only response being to “cry and swear to never love anything ever again”. Such an emotional guy.

For the freshman class I leave my advice and my wisdom: Always keep spare fish on hand and try to cover up any deaths in your tank. If no one else sees the body then they can’t prove it ever died. Best of luck young folk.

 

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