How to Start a Cult

This is better better than the Noble Eightfold Path.

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How to Start a Cult

Rachel Maile in cult position on her way to ensure her cult members' loyalty!

Rachel Maile in cult position on her way to ensure her cult members' loyalty!

Rachel Maile in cult position on her way to ensure her cult members' loyalty!

Rachel Maile in cult position on her way to ensure her cult members' loyalty!

So, you want to start a cult? Well here are a few steps that need to be taken to ensure your cult is top of the line and gets as many members as possible.

1.  Pick an obsession

This is easily the most crucial element of a cult. You need something to not only attract members, but also hook them so they never leave. Whether it’s worshiping you, impending alien overlords, or a flying spaghetti monster, having something for your cultists to rally around is of utmost importance.

2. Meet potential members

How else can you have a successful cult without a growing population of sheeple to follow you to the end of the world? You should hit up spots where you know there are desperate people trying to find acceptance. Great places to try this are college parties, off brand sororities, the clothing section at Target, and churches where there are people who only go for Easter and Christmas.

3. Design a logo

No cult is complete without a killer logo. A stunning, eye catching logo is a surefire way to rack up recruits. I would recommend going simple, yet memorable. Popular symbols include: eyes, triangles, and demonic beings.

4. Start conducting meetings

Now that you have your members, it’s time to start having some group bonding time! Your cult members need to grow closer to foster a sense of community with you as the leader. Try going bowling, eating a nice dinner, or robbing a bank! By gathering together, you’ll allow the bonds between your members to grow so they never want to leave.

5. Use scare tactics to ensure no one leaves

If you seem to have an issue with deserters from your cult, and you find the bonds in your community waning, it’s time to use “alternative” methods to make sure those members aren’t going anywhere. Try threatening that if they leave, the flying spaghetti monster will have his revenge on them or hold their loved ones captive. If all else fails, brainwashing is way to go.

Whenever someone tries to leave my cult, I immediately assume a backbend position, maintaining it as I sprint at them growling and screaming latin words. Works every time baby.”

— Rachel Maile

6. Start illegal activities

Now that your members are here to stay, the real fun can begin. While a cult on its own is totally legal, a TRUE cult likes to break the law. With devout members, you have a willing and able army to achieve whatever your heart desires. Go out and go crazy! Kidnap some people and collect ransom, get rid of your enemies, and/or found a brothel.

7. Get busted by the FBI after being put on the Most Wanted List

There comes a time in every cult leaders career where they finally get arrested. Don’t worry, this is a total natural step and if anything, is a good thing. Now you can spread your cult teachings in a confined area where a lot of prisoners are looking for a purpose anyways. You’ll be living large as a king-pen.

8. Escape prison and live out your days in a tropical country.

Thanks to your expert networking in prison, you’re set to escape! Your cultists in the prison will look out for you and ensure your escape goes off without a hitch, and you can be reunited with the cultists on the outside. The final step in any cult leader’s life is to smuggle your way to a tropical country. Try the Caribbean or somewhere deep in the Pacific. This is your retirement! Enjoy your time as you watch your cult still flourish back on the mainland, and you are worshiped as a God.

There you have it! Follow these steps and you’re on your way to becoming the next Charles Manson (hopefully with less murder).

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