Christmas Conspiracies

Get into the holiday spirit by questioning every tradition you thought you knew.


A collection of the truth

As Christmas draws closer and closer, familiar traditions of Santa Clause and Elf on the Shelf appear. However, they are not what they appear.

Christmas was created by capitalist to raise the power of the bourgeoisie.

Christmas was different before 1823. A poem by Clement Moore called “A Visit from Saint Nicholas” created the stereotypical Christmas we know. So what was Christmas before this? Moore was one the wealthiest landowners, he even owned the whole neighborhood of Chelsea in New York. So most likely, Christmas before this poem was not anything like it is today, the season of spending and boosting the economy. Moore most likely used his poem to inspire a Christmas driven by spending and giving expensive gifts. Maybe we should go back to the true meaning of Christmas. Uncovering the secrets of the US government. 

Santa as reincarnation of Satan.

Santa rearranged spells Satan. The devil wears red. So does Santa. Need I say more? Santa is immortal, similar to Satan himself. Both are omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. Santa is omniscient because he “sees you when you’re sleeping”. He is omnipresent and omnipresent due to his ability to deliver presents to every. single. child. in on night. Be careful of who comes down your chimney at night. 

Elf on the shelf is a government spy

Having eyes in every single household in America sure would be useful for the FBI? The elf on the shelf 100% has cameras transmitting live footage. Be careful what you say around this double agent. 

North Pole is a hole down to where the lizards live.

Satan is a lizard. Santa is Satan, but also a lizard. His “North Pole” is where all the lizards stem from. The pole leads down to the center of the Earth. They don’t let planes fly over the North Pole for this very reason. The last time someone went through the North Pole was in the 1960s, they found oil there. JFK also died in the 1960s? Coincidence? I think not.

Mariah Carey is using whistle tones to control the population.

— Lizard King

Mariah Carey is using whistle tones to control the population.

What is undeniably the most popular modern Christmas song? “All I Want For Christmas is You”. You can probably already hear the chorus in your head. Mariah Carey, year after year, has topped the charts every Christmas season since her 1994 hit. But what if i told you there was a sinister side behind this stellar single? One of the most notable things about Carey that is present in her most of her songs are her high notes and frequent use of whistle tones. Sounds have long been studied for its psychological effects on humans. So, putting 2 and 2 together, Mariah Carey’s whistle tones are being used to control the population. Think about Black Friday. People practically lose their humanity fighting over the best deals they can find all while Mariah is cheerfully singing in the background, causing them to become more and more savage and people spend extravagantly with money they don’t have. The only logical reasoning behind this change is that the government has collaborated with big businesses to gain a higher profit each year around the holidays through the use of one of the most popular Christmas songs. Like a dog whistle, Mariah beckons the masses towards the low prices all.

A Woke Christmas Haiku:

Christmas time is here

Don’t be one of the sheeple

Get woke with R cubed