Ask Mason and Max Vol. 4

Y’all have some weird Problems


Searching for Answers

Question 1: How do I break up with my girlfriend without unleashing the demons of hell upon my life? – A Junior Boy

Tough situation my guy. I’m gonna be honest with you, there is no way to avoid her wrath. Women are far superior when it comes to taking revenge upon those who wrong them. I would recommend doing the deed in person so you at least appear classy. Be sure to wear body armor to protect your vital organs and have a getaway driver on standby in case she attacks. Good luck.

I wish I was smart like Mason and Max

— Sam Maher

Question 2: Someone stole my other kidney and replaced it with a beanie baby? What should I do? – A Senior Girl

I remember when I used to party that hard. Unless the beanie baby is causing problems you should be alright. Don’t bother looking for that other kidney. More than likely they need it more than you do.

Question 3: Where we droppin boys? – A Senior Boy

We drop Tilted or you’re getting kicked.

Question 4: I have a crush on a boy at SOA. We only talk on Kik and he says he can’t Facetime me because he has an Android. Am I being catfished? – A Sophomore Girl

We are always on the side of love. Maybe he is just shy or nervous to finally meet you. And if you are being catfished maybe he is a nice person. Perhaps invite him to join your competitive bowling team to coax him out of his shell.

Question 5: What should I get a girl for her birthday? – A Sophomore Boy

Don’t buy her any sort of clothing. There’s a good chance you have terrible taste and could never satisfy her. We would recommend buying her something she can return, like jewelry or a potted plant.

Question 6: Why don’t the lockers close? – A Teacher Boy

No clue my guy. Try using the silver glitter duct tape they sell at Publix.

Question 7: What is your favorite constellation? – A Junior Girl

Cancer Minor. Also known as the Lesser Crab.

Question 8: A girl in my PE class keeps looking at me what should I do? – A Freshman Boy

You should talk to her. If you are into it maybe ask her to accompany you to Steak N Shake for a reasonably priced dining experience. If you aren’t into it kindly threaten her with a restraining order.

The Lesser Crab

— M&M

Question 9: Best way to attract older girls? – A Sophomore Boy

It’s all about humor. Girls like guys that can make them laugh. But don’t try too hard otherwise you will come off as aggressive and annoying. It’s a very fine line you must learn to tread.

Question 10: My girlfriend is cheating on me with my cousin. What should I do? – A Senior Boy

Dump her. If she doesn’t want you she doesn’t deserve you. You are a beautiful young man with exquisite taste in advice columns. After you rid your life of those snakes go gather your homies for a rowdy night on the town. Nothing like a good bro down to lift your spirits and ignite your passions.

Question 11: What are some tips to stay awake in class? – A Freshman Boy

Don’t stay awake. You need to get those 8 hours and if that means not understanding Photosynthesis, so be it. Always remember that C’s get degrees.

Question 12: How do I break up my older sister and her boyfriend so I can date him? – A Sophomore Girl

This is ambitious and probably crosses a few boundaries. I love it. First thing to do is convince him that she is cheating on her. You should definitely recruit a professional catfisher to lure her into slipping up. Once that is done expose that temptress to her boyfriend and offer your shoulder for him to contemplate upon because men don’t cry. Once he realizes how much more mature you are than her he will instantly fall madly in love with you. Of course this is only ethically acceptable if y’all are within a reasonable age difference.