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The Best Office Episode: The Round of 16

Thomas McNerney, Staff Writer

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We find ourselves here again. Lost, looking for something, something to bring us solace in today’s corporate oppression. A bright light in a sea of stress. Once again it is time to search for the impossible: The best Office episode. Last week matchups resulted in several upsets, the most shocking being the numerous 2 seeds being eliminated (“Dinner Party,” “Safety Training,” “Basketball”) and the heart-wrenching, all-around masterpiece that is “GoodBye Michael” losing drastically. This week will be very similar to the previous round, however I will include the best quote from each episode, in order to sway the voters towards their preferred episode.

 

1 “Stress Relief” (Dwight: Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed: He has no wallet, I checked.)  vs 5 “Gossip” (Andy: But, let me kick you a scenario. I’m at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. He tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like at first. But if he was persistent, [long pause] I think I might give in a little bit, just to see what it… felt like)

3 “Fun Run” (Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so… double jeopardy, we are fine.
Ryan: I don’t think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right, I’m sorry. What is: we are fine?)  vs 7 “The Injury” (Pam: Tell me before I come there.
Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot. Pam: No. Michael: Pam, please? I have Country Crock.)

 

1 “Finale” (Dwight: [turns around] [whispering] Michael. I can’t believe you came.
Michael: That’s what she said) vs 4 “Initiation” (Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I’m going to plant my seed in you.)

6 “Beach Games” (Michael: If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.) vs 7 “Frame Toby” (Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years; she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care, I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier. )

 

1 “Diversity Day” (Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that, “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.”) vs 5 “The Convict” (Michael: The worst thing about prison was the… was the Dementors. They… were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they’d come down, and they’d suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!)

2 “A.A.R.M.” (Dwight: You’ll always have the upper hand, when you’ve got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.) vs 6 “The Chair Model” (Michael: [singing] Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids…drinking whiskey and rye, oh why’d you have to go off and die? Why’d you have to go off [with Dwight] and die? )

 

1 “Gay Witch Hunt” (Creed:: I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing.) vs 4 “Sexual Harassment” (Michael: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he’s really not a part of our family. Also he’s divorced so he’s really not a part of his family.)

6 “Dwight’s Speech” (Dwight: Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour!) vs 7 “Golden Ticket” (Andy: Golden Girls. That’s a golden ticket idea, right, I mean how great was that show? Golden Grahams. Another, is it — I don’t get this… )

The results came out as such:

1 “Stress Relief” vs 5 “Gossip”

3 “Fun Run” vs 7 “The Injury”

1 “Finale” vs 4 “Initiation”

(This is disgraceful and makes me seriously question the integrity of my class)

6 “Beach Games” vs 7 “Frame Toby”

1 “Diversity Day” vs 5 “The Convict”

2 “A.A.R.M.” vs 6 “The Chair Model”

(I love The Chair Model episode, and while it probably isn’t better than A.A.R.M., I am okay with it winning)

1 “Gay Witch Hunt” vs 4 “Sexual Harassment”

6 “Dwight’s Speech” vs 7 “Golden Ticket”

This week saw two number one seeds fall at the hands of two number four seeds, and inexplicable occurrence if you ask me. However, the people are the judges in the end, and I am here simply to vocalize their opinions. At this point I put my full support behind either “Stress Relief” or “The Chair Model,” but truthfully I have no idea how the rest of the bracket will play out. Tune in next week to check out these match-ups:

1 “Stress Relief vs 7 “The Injury”

4 “Initiation” vs 7 “Frame Toby”

1 “Diversity Day” vs 6 “The Chair Model”

4 “Sexual Harassment” vs 6 “Dwight’s Speech”

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