Dear reader,

I regret to inform you that everything you think you know is a lie. You’ve been tricked, coerced, misled by the shrieking fabrications assaulting your ears, hearts, and minds. Banish the propaganda from your functionally smooth brains and embrace the truth. Things are not as they seem.

With absolute sincerity,

Redacted       

Conspiracy theories, what are they? According to Merriam-Webster, a conspiracy theory is defined as “a theory that explains an event or set of circumstances as the result of a secret plot by usually powerful conspirators.” In other words, conspiracy theories are speculation, not the recession-causing housing market type, but rather the kind that makes you question if The Matrix was just government propaganda created to convince us that the Matrix we actually live in is just a fake, silly movie plot and not a reality. Use discretion, the lines between truth and fiction are drawn in chalk. Let’s open the floodgates.

Flat Earth:

Tale as old as time, literally. It seems that although philosophers in the 6th century BC proved the spherical quality of the earth, some individuals today are still not convinced. Sophomore Spencer Wilhelm is one such individual. He notes that because the earth is flat, the asteroid that “killed” the dinosaurs may have simply flung them off the edge of the earth, leaving only the resilient species on the planet. Spencer notes that “If this theory were true, it’s possible that some of the dinosaurs flung into space didn’t just die—they may have landed on Mars and formed a secret dinosaur colony there.” Entirely plausible I’m sure.

Aliens are Real:

Breaking news, aliens are real, at least according to William McCarty (12). Will claims that “Area 51 is not a real place where aliens are located and its only purpose is to keep the public thinking that the aliens are there so that the real location for aliens to be kept stays hidden.” Honestly, if aliens were real that would be a fairly intelligent government strategy. But who are these aliens hidden in an undisclosed location? Well, according to Junior and AP Lang student who identifies as “Anonymous,” these aliens are none other than Slaughterhouse Five’s Tralfamadorians. Their evidence being that Billy Pilgrim could not have possibly come up with such an elaborate story on his own because he was “just not very smart.” Therefore, aliens must be real.

Unorthodox Government Control:

While 1984 has made us all wary of Big Brother, government mind control may be manifesting in a way that no one expected, memes. According to Sophomore Micah Hinson, “The CIA is creating memes to desensitize the population.” The evidence cited for this theory is “skibidi toilet memes being created before the doomsday toilet comes.” No one knows what that means but him, but it doesn’t matter because “nothing could change, it’s already too late. Struggling is futile.” Stay safe out there.

Swimming Pool Location:

The age old Magnet theory rears its ugly head again. However, this conspiracy theory has been disproven in a previous article from last year’s Talon team. However, if further proof is needed, I will happily go up onto the roof to investigate. 

https://amhsnewspaper.com/81228/news/myth-busters-episode-1-the-pool-on-the-roof/

Degrees of Connection:

I’m sure many people have heard of the “six degrees of separation” theory. This theory states that any two people are separated by six or fewer mutual acquaintances. One anonymous Magnet Senior takes this theory a step further, citing a web of connections intertwining the existence of every person, group, and entity on the planet. This web is extremely large and complex, too much so to ever determine the accuracy or lack thereof of this theory. In regard to this theory, the aforementioned student states, “EVERYONE is CONNECTED….everyone is connected…THEY are all connected…ifykyk…” 

Time is Fake:

One of my personal favorite theories and the most mind numbing is in regards to time. This theory makes the case that history is written by the victors and therefore may not be entirely accurate. While this is true, the concept is taken a step further by stating that years of history may be entirely made up by the people in power thousands of years ago. There is little to no archeological evidence of this theory, but it does beg the question: Are we living in the 1700s?

Birds Aren’t Real:

The overall best response to the survey sent out to create this article was a video sent in by Freshman Charlie Gresham, supporting the theory that birds aren’t real, but rather government spies and weapons. In the words of the video’s narrators, “They’re basically swords with wings who stab you in your heart… emotionally.” The evidence cited for this theory includes the camera-like quality of a bird’s eye, government drone technology, and a lack of people who have encountered a baby pigeon. While Senior Liam Rohrbacher, plays devil’s advocate by insisting that “birds are real” as “there’s basically no evidence for it” and he “just think[s] it’s really funny to think that government drones are secretly real animals.” Obviously Liam is very confused as based on the evidence Charlie sent in, there is no way that birds could possibly be real. Yes, we watched the whole video. It was great.

There are likely trillions more conspiracy theories out there ranging from theoretically plausible to psych ward worthy. However, they all captivate our attention in the same way: explanation, justification, opportunity, tangibility. In the words of Margaret Atwood, “If it’s a story I’m telling, then I have control over the ending” (Atwood, 39). If we control the narrative then no question feels too immense to grasp. If we have something to believe, no matter how outlandish, the world seems logical, reasonable. After all, anything is possible if you can convince yourself it is.