Man’s most prominent questions: is there a God? What is the meaning of life? What’s the toughest animal I could beat in a fight?

I am here to answer one of those questions for myself. I will be ranking ten animals, from weakest to strongest, that I could best. In each matchup, it is assumed that the fight is occurring in a flat arena, my opponent and I are unarmed, and I am wearing extremely light clothing present only for modesty. It is a fight to the death. Each animal is doing everything it can to kill me.

[10] Hamster

A hamster would be easier to beat than it would be to swat a fly.

In my personal experience, the hamster has appeared deceivingly powerful. Freshman year in Ms. Roop’s biology class, I was holding one of her gerbils—a cousin of the hamster—when it decided to suddenly crawl out of my hands, falling onto the floor far below. Despite my embarrassment, the gerbil  survived unscathed. In fact, it is possible for hamsters to survive terminal velocity.

Upon closer investigation however, the hamster proves to be one of the weakest animals known to man. The common pet is notorious for being extremely easy to injure or even kill. As it turns out, it is easier to make sure a hamster doesn’t die than to make sure it does. Stories I’ve heard include death by crushing, heatstroke, electrocution via wire chewing, sheer fright, and getting eaten by their own parents.

All in all, hamsters have proven themselves to be extremely vulnerable to death even without my intervention. If I were in a fight with a hamster, I could probably win just by looking at it.

[9] Squirrel

Now, this is what separates the boys from the men. Squirrels possess an agility hamsters simply do not, and they will absolutely use it. They can run at speeds up to twenty miles per hour, even faster than the cars you’ll commonly see on the Don Holt. However, their small bodies are prone to disaster resulting from even a single kick. Catching up to the squirrel will be a challenge, but with the endurance of the human body that squirrels simply lack, it will happen eventually and once it does, that squirrel is toast.

[8] Goose

The goose’s biggest strength is its intimidation. It could beat you up and it knows you know it. Once after school one of my friends started to take a selfie in front of a goose and the big man Perlmutter himself walked by and warned them of the dangers of geese. Any fight would not be without injury, but the goose would certainly be dead before any normal human would be. Go for the neck and it’s toast. Afterward, treat yourself to the ten pounds of goose meat you just beat up.

[7] Exceptionally Large Lizard

Get this: a lizard, but larger. I could take one in a fight. The lizard poses a threat, having a formidable jaw that, if the lizard were large enough, could swallow me whole. Some lizards even have venom that could do some serious damage. Unfortunately for them, however, my intellect provides me with a uniquely great strategy: I can simply bite back. If I am infected with rabies prior to the fight, these bites would be fatal if they punctured the skin of the lizard, a feat I would surely have no trouble doing. After the biting proves its worth, I could finish off the lizard by lifting it by the tail, spinning it and letting go, utilizing angular momentum in such a way that would make Mr. Flo proud.

[6] Man

When I Google searched “Man,” this guy came up. Just look at him. What a weenie. Do you really think you couldn’t beat up this fool as well? What a smug face and a fake smile. This guy I could probably throw into the sun, no contest. Gone before he even knows it. What else is there to say?

[5] Cow

Cows are absolute beasts, weighing nearly a full ton. One charge from the thing would incapacitate the common man. I am not the common man. I know the art of cow tipping, a mythical pastime that provides fun for the whole family, or in this case, me. That cow is going down. Even if such a tactic did not work, there is no doubt I could get on top of the thing and allow it to exhaust itself as I ride it. This is a cow, mind you, not a bull.

Last night, I had a burger for dinner. Enough said.

[4] Elephant

Oh, you think an elephant would be too much for me to handle? Bet. My power is unmatched. If the elephant were running towards me, I would jump up, do a front flip, land on its tusks, and climb above it. Remember my foolproof strategy against the cow? I think we could apply that here. Exhaust it and utilize the dark art of elephant tipping and you’ve won. Or at least, I’ve won.

[3] Blue Whale

The largest animal on earth. It would seem impossible to take out, but think back to the circumstances of the fight. That’s right: it takes place in a flat arena. Unless every other fight has been underwater, the blue whale finds itself with no water. All I have to do then is dodge its attempts to roll onto and crush me and I have secured the victory as long as I don’t get bored waiting for it to die.

[2] Spinosaurus

The Spinosaurus is an extinct species. In a way, I’ve already won.

[1] Chimp

Finally, a fair fight. The chimp is perhaps the most powerful organism in existence. This would be a fight of pure strength and willpower. The chimp has the ability to absolutely maul anything it touches with a bite force ten times that of humans and a speed of over twenty miles per hour. It can maul anything, except for me, of course.

It would be a close fight, but I have the sacred knowledge necessary to defeat a chimp. I have multiple tactics, such as distracting the chimp with a memory test. Additionally, I could attempt to communicate with it in an attempt to deceive it into hurting itself. I would not be uninjured, and in fact I would probably be nearly killed. However, I have full confidence in my ability to take a chimp in a fight.

I understand that my great strength I have demonstrated in this list may make me seen as a protector of this school. And I accept that responsibility. If you ever need protection from an elephant or for a hamster to be taken out, be sure to contact me by leaving a comment.