The AMHS Lacrosse preseason has ended, and the season starts next week! I can’t wait for the games when the cheerleaders and Dirty Birds are supporting us from the sidelines. Our head coach, Coach Steve Shipe, is still head coaching for us. He has also made some subtractions and additions to our coaching staff. Coach Caleb, a coach from last year, is gone. We have added Coach Ethan Pratt, a coach from the Islanders Lacrosse Club who knows Brady very well. He is similar to Coach Caleb in ways, but he is younger,  and has longer hair. Another Coach is Coach George “Not Related to Ethan” Pratt, or D Pratt. He is good. Our last Coach is a firefighter, so his attendance is spotty. His name is Coach Patrick, but he looks like Purple Hoser, so we sometimes call him that. Thank you for your service, Coach Patrick. This leaves our team with a net gain of two coaches. (I had to use ChatGPT for that since I am not taking calc). Now that we have met the coaches, let’s meet the players.

Partial Pre-Season Roster

Teddy Lorruso: Teddy has blown us all off and is focusing primarily on how he’s going to get to Duke after he has committed. Maybe he will drive? Maybe Fly? Walk? Don’t ask him how yet because he is still trying to figure it out. They begged him to play lacrosse there, but he has not said yes. Or he has. I do not know.

Garrison “Take it Deep” Gray: He is not on the team. He graduated because he was a senior last year, but now he is at the University of South Carolina, which is in Columbia, South Carolina.

Juddson Brady Waggoner: Judd is no longer a freshman. He has been a sophomore since he started his 10th-grade year at Magnet. He and his dad, Brady Waggoner from Hook USA, worked together to design our new lacrosse logo. I like it a lot, and I think a lot of our team does.

Chisholm “Chizlix” Pelzer: is on the team. He wanted me to write that he is the captain, so I will include this. He is the captain of the jv team, but he also plays varsity when it matters.

Ellison Ryan: Ellison is illiterate, so he asked me to insert picture here so he can feel heard.

Eli “Crease Goblin” “Highly Unstable” Mitchell: As a person who is in Spanish that sits next to Eli, he helps me with my Spanish. So hats off to Eli. He is also a very good attackman and is projected to be one of the highest-scoring players this season.

Quin “Bubba Prerunner” O’Keefe: Quinny is no longer sick with the flu right now, so Dually is the only goalie at practice. That is also why I am writing this article, because Quin is sick and we couldn’t do the Raptor Rundown. Quin does not like to run, so goalie is a great fit for him.
Sometimes, he even takes the white rubbery balls to his face. I’m not sure if it hurts him, though. When I get hit in the helmet, it is very loud but doesn’t hurt. I think it is safe to assume the same for Quinjamin. He is going to have a cool truck build soon, go like it on TikTok

Tyler “Zachary Scott Drescher” Altman: Tyler is, um, a really chill guy. He needs to stop putting his personal belongings in the senior lounge fridge. He is the older brother of Captain Carter Altman. He is the fastest on the team now that Everett has graduated, I think.

Zachary Drescher: He got cyberbullied.

Brady “LeBall” LaBell: Brady is a sophomore on the team. He played a little bit on varsity last year, but mostly as a backup. He has improved greatly over the off-season with the help of Coach Ethan Pratt, who is his coach for his club team. He also won a Championship with Gavriel Pekar when they played their tournament. They got shirts. Fletcher and I both acted like we were little boys on the team and took shirts, also. There is a picture of the four of us holding our well-earned shirts. Brady will prolly play on varsity a lot as an attackman this year. I don’t know for sure because I am not the coach of the lacrosse team.

I found the picture. From the left: Gav, Fletch, Me, Brady

Campbell “Captain Morman” Stoklosa: Has not come to practice yet because he is a freak of an athlete and plays three other sports. That is ok though because he is a great D middie and hopefully will play FOGO for us again. That would make my day. I have nothing appropriate to say about Campbell. He is just a fantastic guy all around.

William “Mommy Mudflaps” Dooley: Dooley captured the soul of Fletcher Seminaroti’s freshman sister, who is on the girls lacrosse team, who has a name. It is Louisa Seminaroti. He plays goalie, sometimes. When he does play, he shows that he has really improved from last season, but I do not know how because he barely played on our club team.

Carter “Captain” Altman: Freshman Carter, a new addition to the team, has really stepped up and proved himself as captain. He can catch any ball that is thrown at him and put it in the goal. Sometimes, when he winds up, you can see Quin or Dooley dive completely out of the net just because of how powerful Carter’s shot is. They don’t want a 6 ounces of indian rubber shaped hole through their chest, of course.

Jack “Big Chilla” or “Beast” or “Jack” or “Childers” or “Jack Childers” or “Katie’s brother” or “Jacky” or “Alpha” or “Omega” or “Emmitt Pulsifer”, but my friends call me “Or” Childers: Jack is a shint splint troubled dual threat midfielder. He is able to throw well over 22.5 miles an hour while also being able to stop even the biggest of offensive middies while on D. Jack is also a ball on the ground demon who had a whopping ground ball percentage of 16.

Sutton “Captain” Weis: Oh, buddy, we weren’t ready for Sutton. Sutton picked up his lacrosse stick again after two years. He is a freshman now. He fit very well onto our team and makes perfect passes. If Cosgrove were still here, he would call him “the second coming of Christ”. But he is not, so we don’t call him that. But if he were, we would. But he’s not. This is why he is acaptain. Anyway, Coach Shipe assigned Sutton to try face-off a few days ago. We are going to win every single game. When that whistle blows, Sutton clamps down on the ball with immense speed and just sweeps the ball away perfectly. Then he ever so precisely passes it to Carter, who, by some grace of God, shoots from behind the net and scores.

Peter “TRD PRO” Markov:
Peter, Oh Peter, what can I say
A joy it is with you to play,
Picking up ground balls and falling some too,
I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone but you.
I love you, Peter.

Fletcher “Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful boyyyy” Seminaroti: Fletcher, this is directed toward you: please just shoot. I have watched Fletcher grow from a little boy on the sidelines to the man he is today. He is one of the best on the team because of his hard work and constant practice. I always invite him to hang out, but he always says he has to hit the wall. I think that is a lacrosse term; if not, I hope everything is okay at home. All joking aside, Fletcher is buns and needs to lock in if he wants to play with the big guys like Luke and me.

Luke SOA: Luke is one of the big guys on the team. If Luke says to do something, we do it. Even the four coaches are timid around him. I’m scared of what comes with Luke.

James “Haircut” Williams: Is still learning how to run. It is his first season, but it looks like he has been playing for longer. He has work to do, but he is a natural! Gooood boy, James.

Hayden Mendenhall:
Hey.
Heyyy.
Who’s a good dog?
You are.
Yeah—you. Hayden. Good dog. Very good dog.
You waited. You listened. You understood the assignment.
Tail? Wagging.
Vibes? Immaculate.
Come here. Sit.
Good.
So good.

Carson ‘Haircut” Torry: Will Carson play this year? I don’t know because he has missed every practice to get a haircut. I have seen him play outside of practice, and he has a very good shot and hits top cheddy every time. He was also at Sonic one time with some girls, and I embarrassed him.

William “The Spear” Earl: This freshman is a demon on and off the field. He is a fantastic addition to the team and will either play close defence or LSM. I don’t know because, as I have stated before, I am not the coach. He is very good at going both ways, and he is very comfortable with the feel of his stick in his hands. And it shows. Good freshman.

Gavriel “Hockey” Pekar: Another very good player onthe team. Like Eli and the former Everett, he is a hockey player, and it shows. All of his skills have transferred over, and he is very good at this sport. However, there are some things that hockey players do that are not optimal for lacrosse, and we will work on that. His older brother Borris used to be blonde, but now he is weird. Russian

Gabe Kuprel: He cannot play because he broke his collarbone in his last game of club season. It was a sad sight to see. RIP Gabe.

Liam Andrews: I can’t tell if he goes to the gym. He always says he hit legs yesterday, but I think he is a poser and wears only Young LA to make it seem like he goes to the gym. He is small, so I think he lies. Also, like James, he is still learning how to run.

Quinn ”Mini Ghert” Walling: Mini Ghert

With the season kicking off, you now know a little more about each of the players. Wish this team luck in the upcoming season! We are going for the State title 9, and we are going to play the Canadian National Team.