What To Do When You Run Out Of Toilet Paper

How to make the most out of a ~crappy~ situation

Raptor family, I reach out to you during this difficult time in the hopes of brightening your spirits through my own experience. There is so much confusion in the air right now, and so much misinformation regarding this horrific virus. Many young people are flippant about the virus and its effects because they believe that it only affects “old people,” with some disrepectfully even referring to it as the “boomer remover.” While young people may be less likely to see the virus’s more sinister effects, there is something it has brought about that affects Americans of all ages very greatly: the toilet paper shortage. 

As somebody who is directly affected by this issue, I feel well versed in solutions to this problem. Whether I have been using this method or have not had to try it yet, here are some things that you can do when you run out of toilet paper.

  1. Bidet attachment from Amazon
    1. Amazon sells bidet attachments for your toilet starting at $25. This is a long term solution for a lack of toilet paper and is significantly more environmentally friendly. With this attachment, you won’t have to worry about running out of toilet paper any time soon. Obviously there will be some dampness to take care of after, but just do what my uncle does: grab an old tee shirt out of the dirty clothes hamper and towel yourself off. For many, this method is an acquired taste, but believe me when I tell you that it is life changing. 
  2. Schedule your movement for before you take a shower
    1. This suggestion acts on a similar principle as the bidet. If you can’t spare the money for a bidet attachment, I would recommend scheduling any bowel movements for right before you shower. Just grab a bar of soap and proceed as you will. 
  3. Use a rag
    1. Give every person in your family a designated rag. Back in the olden days, people used cloth diapers and would wash them after, so what makes you think that you’re any better than them? If you are feeling extra bougie, grab a silk pillowcase and adopt it as your new toilet rag.
  4. A large leaf
    1. It’s finally spring! The flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, and the bees are buzzing. Take advantage of the season and find some large leaves from outside (or a wide petaled flower) and go to town. I recommend elephant’s ears, fiddle leaf fig, and philodendron.