As 2019 comes to an end, we find ourselves looking back on the decade that defined our childhoods through a nostalgic lens. While we leave behind so much, there are also bountiful opportunities to look forward to in the upcoming years; namely the 2020 Presidential election. In order to get more excited about a potential new president, we decided to rank the current candidates by attractiveness to discern who is the hottest.

1. Tulsi Gabbard
   1. Tulsi takes the cake in terms of cake. She’s the most physically attractive presidential candidate this country has seen in quite a few elections without an ounce of doubt. Tulsi always looks stylish and put together, serving us looks that put a modern twist on a classic style. Look at the effortless beach waves she accomplishes for the democratic debate. THANK YOU Tulsi for bringing beauty back to politics.
2. Joe Walsh
   1. Joe Walsh provides us with that dad-next-door aesthetic. From his hint of gray, severe demeanor, and looks that are reminiscent of an off brand Anthony Bourdain (RIP), Joe Walsh serves us a welcome taste of normalcy.
3. Joe Biden
   1. Joe Biden has aged like a fine wine. This old timer keeps it real from his set of pearly white chompers, to the wisp of hair perched on top of his head (which is reminiscent of a baby bird’s first set of down feathers). As Leslie Knope once said, the perfect man has the “brains of George Clooney and the body of Joe Biden”.
4. Pete Buttigieg
   1. Buttigeig is unarguably something special. He’s young, hip, and a breath of fresh air for the 2020 pool of presidential candidates. He’s a classy Oxford man who is unapologetically himself and doesn’t care if you don’t like it. His chiseled facial features place him in the top 5.
5. Cory Booker
   1. Cory Booker is a straight up snack. Just look at that beautiful, shiny, hairless head of his. He looks like he used to be a camp counselor and he is more than welcome to teach me how to pitch a tent.
6. Michael Bennet
   1. Michael Bennet is more cute than he is hot, but that is still something to take into consideration. He has nice eyebrows and a Reaganesque swoop in his hair (which we are partial to). He looks like a friendly older brother from your father’s first marriage. Good for you Michael. Chase your dreams.
7. Tom Steyer
   1. Sorry guys! Tom Steyer is the grandpa we all wish we had. He has a nice face, and is it just me or does he kinda look like Conan O’Brien in this picture? Politics aside, he is aging very gracefully and he sure can rock a plaid tie.
8. Marianne Williamson
   1. Marianne is substantially above mediocre. As her beauty likely lied in her younger years, she keeps her youth alive through her stylish wardrobe and skilled makeup artist. This Texan queen is unlikely to be our next president but undoubtedly brings style and class to field of candidates.
9. William Weld
   1. Mr. Bill Weld is seemingly nothing special. He doesn’t bring much flavor to the table, as he is a gray-haired caucasian male in his 70s. While he is an impressive man and has kept up with his appearance over the years, he leaves us with a sense that SOMETHING spicy is missing.
10. Amy Klobuchar
    1. Klobuchar kinda has crazy eyes. She doesn’t have the infectious smile that we crave in a presidential candidate. She’s fine, but not great. With some longer, blown-out hair, she could MAYBE rise above average.
11. Andrew Yang
    1. Andrew Yang’s downfall is head shape. It’s a little too ovally for comfort. With the help of a skilled hair stylist, Yang could rise up in the ranks a substantial amount. His facial expressions during speeches are uplifting and hopeful – but his small, stocky build leaves us feeling unimpressed and uninspired.
12. Deval Patrick
    1. Just look at this man. He looks like he has a dirty little secret. Or like he just farted. He’s certainly not ugly, but there’s just nothing special about him.
13. Michael Bloomberg
    1. This man highly resembles a lizard. Is he a part of the “lizard people” conspiracy theory as a shape-shifting reptilian humanoid plotting to rule the United States as well as the world? You tell us. All we know is that Bloomberg must’ve bloomed back in the day because today he is a wilted flower.
14. Bernie Sanders
    1. Hey now! Stop yelling at us! We know you think that Bernie is a hottie but we’re here to break it to you (as an unbiased third party) that he’s not! Sanders is average at best, and although we will be the first to admit that he was a cutie when he was younger, he now leaves a lot to be desired. He certainly leaves us “feeling the Bern”, but not in a good way.
15. Elizabeth Warren
    1. Warren tends to look a little aggressive. She can either look like an innocent old lady or a fire breathing, fist-raising lunatic. We are left feeling slightly frightened from her appearance, however she’s doing pretty well for a 70-year-old woman.
16. John Delaney
    1. John Delaney is confusing. He’s not that unattractive, but he also kinda is. I’m sure he has a really great personality. Surprisingly, we found through our research that he is also pretty ripped, but our ranking is based solely on facial attractiveness so this does nothing to boost him on our scale.
17. Donald Trump
    1. Hahahahahahahah ewwwwwwwwww. He is not good looking and we dare you to challenge us because you would be brutally proven wrong. His hair? Ew. His tan? Ew. Not even a good smile. His children are lucky that their moms were attractive because money can only buy you so much.
18. Julien Castro
    1. Kinda ugly, really unnerving. He is 100% a robot and we will rate him as such. He is a solid 3/10 because robots are supposed to be hot and he’s not that convincing as a human.

Our word is law and you cannot convince us that we are wrong because we are not. Please note that this list is of everyone still in the 2020 presidential race as of December 10, 2019. Tune in to the next issue when we rank the FBI’s top ten most wanted list.