In an attempt to quell suspicions over Russia’s influence in the 2016 election, President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Comey has been very vocal on the dubious situation, and called for a full on investigation.

Fake news outlet CNN stated that there would be “no clear path to quench the uproar,” but as an objective American citizen, I can safely say that this move was a well-guided decision by the leader of the free world. It can be easy to accuse President Trump of making the hasty decision as a shortsighted attempt to cover his muddy tracks to the White House steps; however, this would be very unwise as you would be criticizing our nation’s government.

As of the date Trumpsday, Donaldember 18 (formerly Thursday, May 18), the president will instate an executive order allowing the words Russia, Vladimir Putin, and Donald Trump to only be used in the fashion of: “Donald Trump neither knows who Vladimir Putin is nor has heard of the country Russia.” The statement must be said whilst wielding an air of conviction, or it would be deemed “extremely disrespectful to the state.”

So what can we as free, United States citizens expect in the upcoming months? It’s safe to say that nothing detrimental to our nation’s democracy will occur. In fact, Trump just blessed the Talon with his list of plans for the remainder of 2017:

June: Citizens must tweet one endearing tweet about my appearance or performance per day.

July: Everyone must spend the entire month with a smile on our face, as this is the month to which we owe our nation’s birth.

August: Citizens will notice this August will be exceptionally cold, further disproving the myth of climate change.

September: New York City will be named New York, D.C.

October: Citizens will not be allowed to dress as President Donald Trump for Halloween, as this is cultural appropriation.

November: Thanksgiving will be spent crowding the National Mall reciting thank you in unison to Supreme President Dr. Donald Trump, PhD, M.D., D.V.C. (you must be in uniform!)

December: Comrades will now use the United States Constitution as toilet paper.

As you can see, the firing of demagogue James Comey is only the beginning of the Democratic People’s Republic of America’s fast progression into a prosperous, happier tomorrow.