Last Thursday, the Talon had the privilege of attending a press conference with White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. One of the pressing questions I had for the fiery man pertained to the Trump Administration’s recent choice to cut regulations on businesses with regards to their concern for the environment. The White House has said the repeal of the Obama-era terms will stem job growth and promote further domestic industrialization.

When posing the question, I made sure to cite the irrefutable proof that climate change is real and with another one of the world powers neglecting to recognize this fact, the planet’s environmental welfare is sure to spiral into disrepair. Expecting him to denounce scientific validation backed by years of research, I was shocked by his response in saying “We just want it to be warm outside.”

Spicer referenced the Administrations advanced age stating that men like Jeff Sessions would be far more comfortable in February if they only needed “a light wind-breaker or something.” Following this comment, Spicer impersonated another journalist inquiring about Trump’s frequent visits to his Mar-a-Lago golf club and refuted that “President Trump wouldn’t have to go all the way to Florida if D.C. wasn’t so cold. He could play golf right at the White House.”

Recognizing that this short-sighted decision by the President could be detrimental to the natural world, I asked the Press Secretary if he was aware that the warming temperature trends would melt polar ice caps, raise sea levels significantly, and displace the billions of people who live in coastal population centers.

Angered by my remark, Spicer began to raise his voice and sweat profusely. He told me that my facts were “falsehoods perpetuated by deranged men who have affairs with polar bears” and said the pro-polar bear affair agenda will cost America “65 quintillion jobs” and make the nation’s economy “lose like a googol dollars.”

The Press Secretary then inflamed his neck frills, flared his beaming, amber eyes, and rhythmically chanted “I hate polar bears!” Spicer then spit a sticky green acid on all of the journalists in the conference room.