Every year, hundreds of thousands of competitive American students go through the life-changing, depression-invoking, and hormone-inducing ritual that is the college admissions process. For 93% of them, pristine white envelopes delicately stamped with university seals become the tangible form of utter rejection. For the other 7%, Olympic triathlon training is complete, and they will gleefully be shipped off to their dream schools. In reality, though, college admission workers are some of the most caring and considerate people on this planet. The way in which they choose whether to admit or reject students in twenty seconds with the utmost care, diligence, and respect is an inspiration to even the world’s most active caretakers. But what exactly goes on before, during, and after the college admissions process? Prospective students, get ready to lose all school vacations. Parents, think of at least thirty-four hideously embarrassing questions, and infant siblings, yes, come along as well, you will make a fine addition to the class of 2032, and let’s sit back, relax, and enjoy the college admissions process!

On a typical, dreary, Tuesday morning, a swarm of three hundred prospective students and their guardians arrive at a competitive private research institution for an enthralling campus tour and a groundbreaking and fascinating information session.

“Hellloooo students!”, a loud voice interjects, prompting parents and students alike to stop taking pictures of dorm building walls and insignificant statues. The tour guide then introduces himself.

“Welcome! I’m Michael and I come from a small town in western Iowa where I lived with no electricity or running water my entire life. In addition to being a tour guide, I am a member of the German-American a capella club, the Cupids (an all-guys a capella club), the A capella Gazette (a biannual publication), the Leapfrog Sporting Club, the Cooking Club, the Literary Rapping Club, and Oh! Of course, the Western Iowan Social Club, where I am both the founder and the only member.

“Michael!” a snappy voice beckons, “Your time is up!” It’s time for the heavily anticipated information session, where parents find out whether schools offer financial aid and inevitably plague the session leader with questions such as:

“My son has taken seven AP courses. Do you think he’ll get in?” or,

“Is this campus safe?” or,

“What do you look for most in a student?”

And the answer is always well-roundedness.

College admissions officers clamor for well-rounded students, but how well-rounded you really are as a perspective student depends on what the officer ate for breakfast, who won the NFL game the night before, or whether their wifi connection is running smoothly. Well-roundedness can really work against students however, despite the multitudes of students learning how to play kojikkichubungawentha drums, or digging deeply into their family’s lineage to prove they are 1/256 Macedonian. College admissions officers are smart, for sure well-rounded themselves, and know a thing or two about the world.

#7800156 Decision: REJECTED

Reason: The kojikkichubungawentha drum, having but one surface, is relatively easy to learn and does not reflect a skill we as X university would like to have in our students. The gopofo-taranani drum from Rarotonga, Polynesia, would have been a better choice because, to be correctly played, it requires a trigonometric knowledge such as the concepts covered on the SAT II Math 2 exam. Best of luck with your college search.

#5880344 Decision: ACCEPTED

Reason: Congratulations on your admittance! We were deeply touched by your personal anecdote about your pet goldfish’s struggle with Staphylococaus, and know that the experience you’ve gained will serve you well in college. Hope to see you very soon!

#6843370 Decision: REJECTED

Reason: You have many skills and talents, however, so do all of the other applicants. Best of luck with your college search.

#3800096 Decision: REJECTED

Reason: *application reader spilled hot coffee on lap* Best of luck with your college search!

#9558635 Decision: DEFERRED (position 783/800)

Reason: Best of luck with your college search!

#11774808 Decision: ACCEPTED

Reason: Your personal quest to overcome painkiller, tobacco, and alcohol addiction was personally inspiring and has merited you placement at our institution.

#15556089 Decision: REJECTED

Reason: Your personal essay did not reflect the extraordinary writing skills acquired by the extremely select few who have received an 800 on the SAT writing section.

#67189534 Decision: REJECTED

Reason: You are not from rural Azerbijan, which is the candidate we are currently looking for.

#7800553 Decision: REJECTED

Reason: *application reader needs to get home in time to watch House of Cards*

Back to the main point, admissions officers are some of the most considerate, genuine, and wholesome people in the work force. Students, rest assured, your application will be meticulously examined for up to fifty-two seconds. We look forward to welcoming 6.3% of you next year. Always remember, be yourself and let it show on your application. This will work for some of you. Best of luck with your college search!