Why is “Fiji” The Best Deodorant?

An overview of "Fiji" and more deodorant facts.

"Fiji", The number one flavor

Why is “Fiji” by “Old Spice” the best deodorant scent? To answer this question, I must first provide a basic rundown on the history of deodorant as well as define modern deodorant. In 1889, “Mum” was the very first deodorant, sold as a paste in jars. While smearing deodorant onto our armpits with our fingers may not sound appealing to you and me, at the time it was groundbreaking. Sense then, deodorant has evolved tremendously. It’s quickest rise to popularity came in the 70’s and 80’s when it was sold out of aerosol cans as a spray-on deodorant, much like what Middle Schoolers today use. However, as many limitations were put onto the production of aerosol sprays due to the environmental effects, the deodorant stick was popularized and is still used by most people today (except Post Malone). 

Now, we will explore the magical world of the science behind deodorant and what separates deodorant from antiperspirant. First of all, as we all know, the human body sweats heavily throughout the day in all the places where the sun don’t shine. As our bodies’ natural juices saturate the skin, bacteria begin to break down the sweat and release a pungent smell  known as body odor (BO). Deodorant functions by preventing the bacteria from breaking down the sweat on our skin while antiperspirant prevents the sweat from ever leaving our bodies. 

Now that we understand what makes deodorant deodorant, I will present my case as to why “Fiji” is the best flavor of deodorant. First of all, it is clear that the company that produces “Fiji”,  “Old Spice”, is the top deodorant producer. While some may argue “Speed Stick”, “Dove” and even “Axe” are the best brands, “Old Spice” reigns supreme for its variety of flavors and its genius marketing that features celebrity bodybuilder and actor, Terry Crews and his beautifully chiseled muscles. Furthermore, it has become abundantly evident to myself and the fair majority of deodorant users that “Fiji” is the best flavor that “Old Spice” produces for the following reasons: “Fiji” has an effect on the olfactory sensory system that transports both the smeller and smelly to a relaxing island get away, “Fiji” dances perfectly on the line of  line pungentness as it is the perfect mix of subtlety and strength, and finally, “Fiji” is arguably one of the only unisex deodorants.

To further elaborate how it is a unisex component, my research has concluded that while “Fiji” is more often used by males, it is almost equally as popular among females. For this reason, it serves as the ultimate deodorant. A deodorant for all is a deodorant for the world. 

Now that we have established why “Fiji” is the best deodorant, it is very important to understand the  ins and outs of maximizing its performance. Unfortunately, there is a common misconception that the more deodorant one uses, the more attractive they become. If this were to be true, the relationship between deodorant and attractiveness could be defined as exponentially positive. In other words, many individuals believe that their attractiveness can expand infinitely the more deodorant they use. Sadly, this is quite simply false. However, the leading mathematicians at “The Talon” (myself and Davis Leath), have developed a theory that defines the relationship between amount of deodorant and attractiveness as a quadratic function with deodorant amount serving as x and attractiveness as f(x). (Please remember that our calculations will work best with “Fiji”)

(Units on this graph are arbitrary)

While the precise amount of deodorant has not been determined due to a surplus of other variables (such as degree of body odor and armpit hair), it can be reasonably inferred that a relative maximum exists on my deodorant function. This maximum defines the sweet spot at which the perfect amount of deodorant has been applied without overpowering smell receptors. In order to find this sweet spot, I advise each of you to systematically test what works best for you by gradually increasing your deodorant use day by day and taking feedback from your peers until you find the perfect amount for you. 

I understand that all of this may be overwhelming to my readers who were not already familiar with deodorant science. While “Fiji” is in fact the best flavor of deodorant, it is important to remember that for some of your friends, it may not be the one.  Quite simply put, the art of smelling good is a complicated process that the human race has been striving to perfect ever since cavemen learned to say “ooga booga” which roughly translates to “you smell like dookie” in modern English. As a top authority on the subject, I can only advise you to do what works best for you and to always remember to understand that this is a very difficult skill to perfect and that it may come easier to some than others. Whether you’re meeting new people or reuniting  with old friends, always remember, never judge a book by its odor. 

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