Power Ranking of America’s Animal Mayors

What you call barking, I call democracy.

The crowd waits in a silent anticipation as the new mayor approaches the podium for his inaugural address. He utters a single word: “Woof” and the crowd erupts in applause. The previous, corrupt regime has been ousted, and confetti streams down upon a battered, yet hopeful populous. The election of the new mayor is sure to turn the tide of voter discrimination, economic depression, and high taxation caused by the previous political machine. The dog days are over, but yet they have just began because a new mayor is in power, and he is a dog. Animal mayors constitute a small portion of America’s elected representatives but are nonetheless an important part of municipal governances across the nation.

#5: Lucy Lou

Lucy Lou is the mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, where she attends many charity balls and is a spokeswoman for the local women’s shelter. Lucy Lou is the first female mayor of her city, and she loves swimming in the Ohio River. When asked how she won her first election in 2008, Lucy replied that voting regulations in Rabbit Hash are unique because “anyone of any age can vote, you can vote as many times as you like, and we encourage drinking at the polls.” How patriotic!

Lucy Lou thinking about her policies

#4: April

Beating out six other candidates in 2011, April won the mayoral office of Eastsound, Washington in a charity fundraiser, where she raised over five thousand dollars for the Orcas Island Children’s House. In true rags to riches fashion, April was adopted  in the San Juan County Fair fifteen years ago before coming mayor of Eastsound.

April sounds thick and juicy”

— Bailey Hillen

April hiding from Bailey

#3: Stubbs

Stubbs won office in Talkeetna, Alaska, in 1997 as a write in candidate. Notorious for drinking catnip cocktails out of margarita glasses, Stubbs established himself as the major tourist attraction of his town by greeting almost fifty tourists a day. Similar to April, Stubbs was adopted from an abandoned kitten box, and has done numerous televised appearances and interviews since. No stranger to assassination attempts, Stubbs has been attacked by a dog, shot with BB guns, fallen into a deep fryer, and been kidnapped by a garbage truck. Talk about a tough kitty!

Stubbs after too many margs

#2: Duke

Much more than a figurehead, Duke is the embodiment of everything right with America. A quadruple term incumbent, Duke presides over the small town of Cormorant in rural Minnesota, where he consistently wins 100% of vote. Duke is a Great Pyrenees breed, and he says his main tasks are overseeing the local pubs and riding around town in his red convertible. Before entering public service, Duke was a farm dog, but now he focuses on advocacy for the Humane Society and Girl Scouts. Duke builds bridges during his free time as well. (of both the literal and figurative sense)

Duke looking stately

#1: Henry Clay

You’ve heard of the Kennedys. You’ve heard of the Bushes. You’ve heard of the Clintons. Now prepare for the true political dynasty ruling America from the underground: the four billy goats Clay. Our story begins with Henry Clay, Sr., who seized the mayoral throne in Lajitas, Texas in 1992 by a landslide vote. Not to be confused with the Great Compromiser, Henry Clay, Sr. quickly gained renown for his ability to grab beer bottles from tourists and guzzle down their contents in a matter of seconds. All was well and good in Lajitas until a romantic rival killed Henry Clay, Sr. with a fatal headbut. Henry Clay, Sr., now stuffed and residing in the local saloon could only watch in horror as his son, Henry Clay, Jr., seized power and took up his father’s beer guzzling mantle. Henry Clay, Jr. could down up to forty beers a day, and Lajitas entered into an unprecedented era of peace under his rule. Everything changed in 2000 though, when the machiavellian Henry Clay, III decided to usurp his father by killing him with yet another headbut. I guess it is better to be feared than loved after all. Today, Henry Clay, IV runs the game after Henry Clay, III died of alcohol poisoning, and Henry Clay, IV keeps up the family tradition of swilling beer until passing out. Like father, like great, great, great grandson!

Henry Clay, Sr. the OG


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