THE TALON

Wisdom Teeth Removal: A Saga

The grape isn't the only thing they did surgery on.

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Wisdom Teeth Removal: A Saga

Kate following her wisdom teeth removal.

Kate following her wisdom teeth removal.

Kate following her wisdom teeth removal.

Kate following her wisdom teeth removal.

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It was 2 pm on an unassuming Tuesday afternoon when I received the snapchat from Kate Kuisel.  High on laughing gas and with heavily-inflated cheeks, the picture of Kate read “NO TEETH GANGGG”.  The time of reckoning had begun.  Similar to my weave upon observing images and videos of Kate post-surgery, her wisdom teeth had been snatched.  This article aims to investigate the wisdom-teeth removal process via case study.

What did you do the morning of your surgery, knowing you may never live to see another day?

“I slept as late as possible.  I just rolled out and went.”

Were you scared?

“No.  I was excited.”

How many drugs were you on?

“All of them.”

Team Laughing Gas or Team Anesthesia?

“I’m team both.  I got both.”

What was your thought process while under laughing gas?

“I really wanted to be President.  I would mumble rap.  I think I’m going to start a Soundcloud with all the recordings I have.  They can call me Lil Swole.”

Kate’s oral surgeon gave her a piece of paper to draw on while inebriated. The images are cryptic and resemble ancient cave drawings.

Do you miss your teeth?

“Well, I never really met them.  They never really peeked out; they were all impacted in my gums so the dentist had to dig around to drill them out.”

Did the oral surgeon only take your teeth for his own personal gain?

“Yes.  I never saw my teeth afterwards.  I never got to say goodbye.  My only thought is he’s using them to collect my DNA and planning to send it to the government.”

Do you consider yourself less wise now that they’re gone?

“Hmmm.  I feel smarter.  What was contained in the wisdom teeth was old knowledge, knowledge of our ancestors, that is no longer useful in the technological age.”

What are your thoughts on the recovery process?

“Clean your sockets.  You squirt warm saltwater in them.  And make your friends bring you food.  When you try to venture out of the house: start slow.  I went out for two hours once and I was exhausted.  Sleep sitting up.  I drooled once and there was blood all over my sheets.”

How did you pass the time?

“Napping and I watched about two seasons of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and then I re-watched Gossip Girl.  What would happen was I would fall asleep during the episode and then have to replay it and then I would fall asleep again and have to replay it.  So I ended up watching each episode like three times.”

The newest Migos member.

What did you eat?

“I went through two cases of applesauce.  Milkshakes were usually my meal.  I tried pasta but then I just ended up swallowing it like a pill.  Also mashed potatoes and the inside of pumpkin pie.  That’s it.  And pills.”

What did you want to eat?

“The worst part was you couldn’t get the milkshakes with clumps in them.  I had to get vanilla.  The whole time I was really craving Mexican food, specifically nachos, which are very crunchy.”

She is pretty.

Quotes from Kate while under laughing gas:

“Kuisel 2020: Make America Kate Again.”

“I want to watch Tom and Jerry.”

“euuuuheuuu”

“I’m the newest Migos member.”

“You know what I have to say to all my haters?  I dab on them.”

“I’m boolin, I’ll put a cap in you. *proceeds to sing Sicko Mode*”

Conclusion

According to Kate’s subconscious, she will most likely be elected president in 2020.  I recommend becoming friends with her to receive benefits from the patronage system once she reigns supreme.

 

 

 

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