The concept of rizz is no stranger to The Talon, let alone our generation. The word, defined by Oxford as “someone’s ability to attract another person through style, charm, or attractiveness,” was awarded Word of the Year by the same press in 2023.

What application of the word is greater—and more useful—than retroactively applying the term to our former U.S. presidents? That’s right, there is none. With no time to waste, here is my indisputably objective top ten U.S. presidents ranked by rizz.

[10] Franklin Pierce

Being in office in the 1850s gives good ol’ Frankie quite a disadvantage against the big boys with more frequent and color photography. Yet, he pulls it off and secures himself as number ten on the list. Despite being in his fifties during his presidency, he maintains a youthful charm found in his demeanor, his luscious locks, and his beautiful eyes. He even appears to be mewing,  which is simply irresistible.

[9] Richard Milhous Nixon

In contrast to Frankie, Dick emits more of that “bad boy” energy. Just as he believed in laissez-faire in the market, he must have also believed in laissez-faire in love and burglary, at least according to Kristina Grish’s archetype in the former. Dick initially appeared to be a rizzless man in the 1960 United States presidential debates, in which he was observed to be sweaty and nervous in comparison to JFK. After losing the election, Dick knew that he needed more rizz in order to become president. His smile, his remaining hair, and his attitude carried him to the presidency in 1968. Dick’s rizz is perhaps demonstrated best by the existence of the “madman theory.” Dick intentionally characterized himself as crazy in order to deter provocation from communist nations, who feared an extreme or unpredictable response.

[8] Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.

Joey might seem like a questionable choice for his list. At the current age of 81, he is the oldest standing president in American history. Age and rizz are two different things, however. The man may seem struggling at first glance, but there are moments in which he really energetically shines. Despite his “Go to Joe 30330s”, he has his “SODA!!!!!!”s. Additionally, consider his looks in his youth. That is not rizz to be reckoned with.

[7] Calvin Coolidge

Ms. Orr would probably describe Cal as a “little cherub.” He is perhaps the youngest looking president to have ever been elected, looking like a ten year old whose parents combed his hair and dressed him up for a wedding. He maintains a mature edge, however. His nickname in office, “Silent Cal,” emphasized his tendency to be really, really quiet. Of course, Cal is the strong silent type.

[6] Gerald Rudolph Ford Jr.

Good ol’ Gerry doesn’t appear to be special at first. He looks a little funny but overall looks pretty ordinary. He even didn’t need any rizz to obtain the presidency: he is the only president in American history to not have been elected either president or vice president. Everything changes, though, as soon as you see a picture of Gerry when he was eighteen.

WOW. Maybe he really did have the presidency coming. I don’t even have any words. The only reason Gerry is not much, much, higher is that his looks had fallen off quite a bit by the time he was inaugurated.

[5] Theodore Roosevelt Jr.

Big Theo has an incredible amount of rizz. He is simultaneously a cowboy and a gentleman: a lover of boxing and hunting yet a graduate of Harvard and a military strategist. His “big stick” contributed to American military dominance by mogging the rest of the world. While campaigning for a third term post-presidency, Theo was the victim of an assassination attempt. He was shot from seven feet away but instead of dying, he laughed and delivered his ninety minute speech with an untreated bullet still lodged in his chest. If that isn’t pure rizz, I don’t know what is. Also, just look at his mustache.

[4] Harry S. Truman

First of all, this guy’s middle name is “S.”, one of two presidents with the middle name (the other one is Ulysses S. Grant.” Instant rizz for having such a bold name. More importantly, however…

Yeah, I think this speaks for itself.

[3] Barack Hussein Obama II

Barack is probably one of the wittiest presidents we have ever had. He was always quick to respond to heckling and he had a certain energy that simply surpassed those around him. His moments at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner were always legendary and simply put, he is a pretty funny dude. Back in his college years, he used to get pretty freaky, too. He openly smoked pot and when it came to girls, he was a pleaser. In his memoir, A Promised Land, he states:

“[M]y intellectual curiosity those first two years of college paralleled the interests of various women I was attempting to get to know. Marx and Marcuse so I had something to say to the long-legged socialist who lived in my dorm; Fanon and Gwendolyn Brooks for the smooth-skinned sociology major who never gave me a second look; Foucault and Woolf for the ethereal bisexual who wore mostly black.”

This makes it evident that Barack’s policies as president were not guided by politics, but rather guided by rizz.

[2] William Jefferson Clinton

Much like Barack, Willie came into the presidency young and ready to make things happen. There is one key difference between Willie and Barack that makes all of the difference, though.

Sax.

What a legend.

This is of course not to mention his incident with Monica Lewinsky: He just can’t stop rizzing people up.

[1] John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Oh, JFK. What a man. He was indisputably the most womanizing president in American history. He had known affairs with more than a handful of people including Judith Campbell, Marlene Dietrich, Mary Pinchot Meyer, and Marilyn Monroe. MARYLIN MONROE. And these are only a few of the known affairs. Who knows how many people he had affairs with his entire career. He practically rizzed up hundreds on the daily, almost being seen more as a media celebrity than a politician. There is truly no greater rizzler than JFK, even outside the U.S. presidency.