The Fire of Notre Dame


The Flames

South Bend, Indiana. Home of the Fighting Irish. Worst team in the last College Football Playoff. But this isn’t who I am talking about. Many of you likely saw one of the countless black and white posts on people’s Instagram stories about how the Cathedral at Notre Dame caught fire (super powerful posts). Basically what happened was that on Monday April 15th, 2019, a fire broke out in the center of the Cathedral’s roof. After burning for 15 hours the Cathedral was left with most of its roof and the steeple in a smoldering heap.

Catholics, historians, world travelers, and social media buffs around the globe expressed their sadness at the damages done to this important monument. However, what no one is discussing is what really caused the fire. Authorities claim that the fire was likely caused by an electrical fire. Very unlikely. The dark corners of the Internet are home to the true intellectuals of the world, holders all the secrets of reality. These overlords of the Earth have revealed that the fire was likely started by one of three possibilities.

I mean yea it was sad but like I wasn’t there so that’s good

— Stephen Holderness

Number 1: The fire was started by dragons. Hear me out. Everyone knows that Game of Thrones has returned for its final season. And what better way to drum up hype for the season than to have one of the dragons from the show burn down a monument of significant worldly value? Also a dragon would naturally aim for the top of the building. Coincidence? Of course it isn’t.

Number 2: The Easter Bunny. Everyone knows that the best magical figure in the world is Santa Claus. The children of the world can only love one thing. All the eons of neglect from the world has caused the Easter Bunny to grow resentful of the world. Most of all, he hates the French after his ex girlfriend (French Super Model Laetitia Casta) dumped him. The angry and hatred for the world and the French lead the Bunny from Hell to burn down Notre Dame. Disgraceful.

Number 3: The Fighting Irish. Yep I brought it full circle. After the embarrassing 30-3 pounding at the hands of the Clemson Tigers, the residents of South Bend had had enough. They let their emotions and pain marinate in their minds until it reached a boiling point. They couldn’t take it anymore. They set fire to the roof in hopes that the bad publicity around the Cathedral would lead the school to change their name to avoid further embarrassment. Get exposed Irish. We’re on to you.

I went there one time……it was tall

— Andrew Zimlich

In all seriousness people need to focus on the most important detail: No one was harmed or killed in the fire. I understand that people want to donate money to help rebuild the church but it is kind of sad that the world can raise so much money to repair a building but not to help feed the starving people of the world or cure the diseases that harm the most people. Bummer Earth.