All We Want for Christmas is….

A letter to Santa outlining our wish list for this year.

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All We Want for Christmas is….

Shoutout to the fat man in red! Jolly!

Shoutout to the fat man in red! Jolly!

Shoutout to the fat man in red! Jolly!

Shoutout to the fat man in red! Jolly!

Savannah Wray and Caroline Young

Dear Santa,

Caroline and Savannah here, hope this letter finds you fat and cheery as always. We just wanted to let you that we made Hannah O’s Nice list, which is no easy task! It took an entire year of exclusively saint-like behavior. I’m not going to say we’re holy, but our morals are certainly angelic. For example, Savannah did almost all of her homework this year. Well half of it. Some of it. She attempted it. Caroline cooked dinner for her family one time. Turns out they were out of town, so she could eat the whole thing. Can’t control fate! Savannah walked her stupid dog one time and Caroline went a whole 12 hours without watching Netflix. Call us angels.

So we are really contacting you, Santa, to place a few gift requests. This year, instead of stupid materialistic trinkets that any lowly dirt man might ask for, the things on our list are significant. So don’t disappoint.

  • College Acceptance letters with full rides to every school we have applied to. This one is a non-negotiable. If you have any questions, figure it out yourself. What are those elves even there for?
  • All of the old Smartboards.
  • Licensing Rights to The Office so we are paid royalties every time the show is aired, anywhere in the world. We feel this is totally reasonable and only fair because we are such avid fans.
  • Our names written into Jeff Bezos will. Please. And we’re not asking you to murder him, but how else are we supposed to receive what’s clearly ours?
  • A Clone (that would be one for each of us) to act as our proxy in attendance for any and every event we don’t feel obliged to attend, such as school.
  • Adriana Carter’s brain. How else do you expect us to pass our midterms?
  • Turkish Delight.
  • An Action movie starring Taylor Swift, Beyonce, Bill Hader’s Stefan SNL character, Mindy Kaling, Julius Caesar, Winston Churchill, Benito Mussolini, Franklin Roosevelt, Steve Carell, Gru, and of course, us. (Please, do not reference World War II despite Churchill, Mussolini, and FDR’s presence in the film).
  • Tickets to the moon.
  • Hippopotamus.
  • A White Christmas.
  • A one way ticket to Antarctica. We want to visit you, but we’d actually rather go to the opposite end of the earth. They have flightless birds.
  • A money tree.
  • A hulu LIFETIME subscription. We are getting really tired of making new email addresses and getting new credit cards every month for the free trial.
  • The truth behind the illuminati conspiracy theory.
  • World Peace.

This year, instead of stupid materialistic trinkets that any lowly dirt man might ask for, the things on our list are significant.”

As previously stated, Santa, we are basically angels. So the expectations are high! Have fun with your reindeer and elves and whatnot and many thanks from your favorite nice-listers.

Merry Christmas,

Caroline and Savannah

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