Holiday Bucket List

Overthrow the government with a candy cane spear.


A festive holiday candle.

As we celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Saturnalia if you will (an ancient Roman celebration of the winter solstice – I don’t know your religious beliefs), it is important to take the utmost advantage of this festive time.

  • Build a snowman.  Or a sandman.  Any building material you can find in Charleston, as it will most likely be 70 degrees throughout winter break.
  • Play secret santa with your friends.  Or if you don’t have any, select pedestrians off the street.
  • Go to the Festival of Lights.  No holiday season is complete without getting road rage at the person from Ohio driving in front of you at 3 mph in their Honda Pilot at this iconic Lowcountry event.
  • Give your least favorite relative a jar of pecans.  It’s in the holiday spirit.
  • Bake festive cookies.  If you don’t come back to school at least 10 pounds heavier, you’re doing it wrong.
  • Get a gym membership.  It’s in your best interests (refer to above).
  • Binge that Netflix series you haven’t caught up on yet.  I suggest Trailer Park Boys, Jane the Virgin, Shameless, Parks and Recreation, and of course The Office.
  • Trick someone into giving you a New Year’s Kiss.  If you already have one planned out, good for you.
  • Pretend to have a boyfriend/girlfriend for your grandmother who asks incessantly.  Gertrude needs to be pacified.
  • Watch an ambiguous holiday movie: such as Talladega Nights.  This is a movie that everyone can enjoy, from Christians to Muslims to Jews.
  • Summon a festive demon. Krampus-style.
  • Listen to an ambiguous holiday song: such as “Back to December” by Taylor Swift.  In the words of Graham Inabnett, “it doubles as a festive winter song and a good cry.”
  • Pop some bottles.  Sparkling cider only kiddos.
  • Cook a holiday meal.  Bone apple teeth.
  • Cry over colleges and listen to Mariah Carey.  Once you finish your breakdown, get back up on your feet and continue working on applications.  There is still hope.
  • Deliver treats to your neighbors.  Don’t try to poison them as I attempted to do in second grade with holly berries.  (Apparently you can’t make jam out of holly berries)
  • Donate to a local charity.  My pocketbook.  Or maybe the Salvation Army I guess.
  • Read R^3’s Christmas Conspiracy article.  Stay woke.  Only on The Talon.  VIP only.
  • Hang mistletoe on every doorway you encounter.  Let the romance ensue.

I wish you all the best of luck on your winter break endeavors.