Among the halls of Academic Magnet, one name echoes louder than the rest: Ellison “John (Ground)Balls Jones” Ryan. Standing at a marvelous 6’2″, 180 pounds of pure chisel Ellison is not just a student, he is a phenomenon. A triad of strength, charm, and bewildering whimsy, Ellison asks questions and answers them as well.
The Man, The Myth, The Ground Ball Menace
Why the nickname “John (ground)Balls Jones”? Pretty easy to explain. He gets ground balls. Every single one. Scientists don’t quite understand, but when a loose ball enters his vicinity, he pounces on that ball. It belongs to him now, as if he must have it. Opponents have tried to contest his pure and stellar dominance, but attempting to beat Ellison is like trying to float a crinkle. Silly.
In the gym, Ellison benches 250 with the ease of Garrison Gray and squats and deadlifts numbers that simply are impossible to understand. If there were a sport that combined powerlifting and lacrosse, let’s just say he’d be the goat. His upper legs alone have been named honorary members of my hall of fame.
A proposed concern…
Lately, Ellison has been consuming “a lot of groceries” , a scary admission that has left me puzzled. Is this healthy? he asked? To be honest, I do not know. I found a reddit article posing the same question, and they did not have a clear answer.
Cucumber
If Ellison could be any food, he said he would be a cucumber, a good choice for a beast who is “always as cool as a cucumber.” Whether charging down the field as an LSM in lacrosse or making spongebob stickers on a facetime call, his attitude remains steady. He is whimsical, yet nonchalant. He is a paradox in cleats.
The MD Foodie Boys Podcast
A man of deep thought, Ellison states he would be nonchalant kid on the MDFoodieBoys podcast. This is probably true, I do not know. Dean McCullough is washed, and that is for certain, verified by Ellison himself. Ellison also always knew there was a lock on that door, and everyone kept treating him like he was insane.
The SpongeBob Scholar
A deep thinker, Ellison finds inspiration in the edgier episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants. While others admire the funny yellow sponge man, Ellison looks deeper, searching for meaning in the little man. He contemplates whether little man is silly or sad, and takes existential guidance from the wisdom of the little yellow man, saying he likes to goon around with him, but also lock in.
The Party
On the field, Ellison is a wrecking force. Off the field, he is a party animal. There are whispers of his ability to
simultaneously be the life of the party while remaining entirely unbothered. A ladies’ man in the most effortless sense, he does not chase. He exists, and they arrive.
Final Verdict
Ellison Ryan is an experience. He is funny, and I rather like him. There were probably many other things he wanted me to add, I do not remember them all, my interview was oddly spread out over lacrosse practice. Sorry I couldn’t include it all Ellison, my bad.
The only question that remains for Ellison: Can anyone handle him?
