Ladies and gentlemen, it has been an interesting week, from plastic pollution treaty talks rising to North Korea testing exploding kamikaze drones to Gladiator fights returning to the Roman Colosseum. Yes, you heard me right! Airbnb signed a 1.5 million dollar deal to stage gladiator fights in order to promote the new Gladiator 2 movie, which couldn’t be better. I mean, everyone knows that the one thing that gets people to go see your new movie is associating it with sleeping in a foreign theater. However, this week’s biggest news is President-elect Donald Trump has started to announce his new cabinet and the appointments are “interesting,” to say the least.
To start, we have the South Dakota governor and self-proclaimed best friend of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, Kristi Noem, running the Homeland Security Agency. Noem is known to have bragged in her novel about killing dogs. So, this is a warning to any stray Chihuahuas trying to begin a new life away from the drug lord Pitbulls: the border is closed.
We have also seen Florida congressman and Botox frequent flyer Matt Gaetz nominated to be the new US Attorney General. Yes, I know what you are thinking: “This is a pretty important position, so a moral person who has views similar to the Republican party lines and Trump Administration should be chosen.” Well, ask and you shall receive! Gaetz is reportedly under investigation for taking part in “drug-fueled sex parties” where he has reportedly hired prostitutes and engaged in sexual activities with 17-year-old girls. Seems like a perfect pick to me! I don’t see anyone better to kiss Trump’s behind than a literal clone of himself. If I were a woman working in the White House, I would genuinely be worried. (Gaetz has removed himself from nomination)
But more importantly than any other cabinet pick has been the new co-head of government efficiency Elon Musk. And if you are asking yourself, “Hey, is that a real job?” the answer is no. If we take a trip back to memory lane, in 2016, Musk publicly distanced himself from the Trump campaign, and in 2017, he openly criticized the administration, which is all fine and dandy. However, somehow, in the last couple of years, Elon and Trump grew closer together. Elon started to fund Trump’s presidential campaign, where he donated about a million dollars a day for over a month, and Trump, well, Trump allowed him to do it, I guess.
Anyways, Trump and Elon are now as close as friends can get. He is the “first buddy,” as Elon said on X, formerly known as Twitter, and wow, do they make a power couple! Elon has reportedly been staying over in Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida, weighing in on important president-elect decisions such as which member of Fox and Friends should fill the next cabinet position and what is a better order: a Big Mac with extra fries or a Happy Meal with apple slices. Elon voted on the Happy Meal, in which he claimed the fruit helped him increase his vertical. Trump reportedly responded, “What Vertical? And you don’t hear me say this very often, but in this case, I’m sorry Elon, Trump is right; we all have seen you jump. It is quite sad, actually! You would think someone who dedicated their life’s work to mastering the angles of upward propulsion in rockets would at least be able to get a couple of inches off the ground!
Trump and Elon are very close, and somehow, Musk has found his way into being included in the Mar-a-Lago make-shift decision room, where the big-boy decisions go down. This is a cause for concern, as the richest man in the world should be nowhere near the room where economic regulations are being set.
