Raptors, have you ever needed to just get something off your chest? Well lucky for you this week I gave students seeking advice the opportunity to anonymously submit their grievances. However, this is not your typical advice column. This week I modeled my responses based on internet personality Jake Shane’s popular podcast segmented that he titled his: Tell Me What’s Wrongs. In this segment, Jake ‘prescribes’ various movies, songs, or just plain old advice along with usually one other celebrity guest who adds their own input as well. I got a wide variety of responses from our student body and as much as I would have loved to answer every single one, I only answered a few notable ones this time. As Jake would say, “Tent’s Up!” and let’s get into it:

Before I start I want to do a few disclaimers

• none of my ‘prescriptions’ are actual prescriptions it is just another word for ‘suggestion’ in this context
• if you submitted any of these they were anonymous unless you told me

Our first submission was chock full of info:

Me: Tell me what’s wrong?

Student: “everything. simply everything. the teachers need to be nicer. do they know we are doing college apps too? also, why wont my nose stop running? I CANT BREATHE AT NIGHT. Also, very simply, men. why are they drama queens and liars. Like wth. Also just like, sleep. I jsut want to sleep. and ya thats about it.”

I prescribe to you “Boy’s a liar pt. 2” by Pink Pantheress and Ice Spice due to your emphasis on men being liars. If this is the man I suspect it is, he is not worth your time. I also prescribe some Lemme Sleep gummies to help you go to sleep earlier so you can catch some good z’s. Lastly, a personal ride or die of mine, Afrin or Astepro. Many know about my illness at the end of summer and would say I’m an expert on nasal spray now.

This next one was a shocker!

“I think the guy that I have a crush on is gay”

Now I don’t know if you are a girl or a guy but for these purposes I will assume you’re a girl. I actually have several effective prescriptions for this circumstance. The first prescription I have is Season One Episode Three of Glee “Acafellas” where Mercedes Jones has a crush on Kurt Hummel and after finding out he was gay she busted the window of his car after which she tells him that he “busted her heart.” In no circumstances am I suggesting that you bust his windows, but I do think that this episode’s resolution is very insightful.

My second prescription is TikToker @sloanealex_’s “foreign exchange” collection in which she does a five part story time series on having a crush on a foreign exchange student named Nico who (spoilers) turns out to be gay. I believe it will be an entertaining watch. You are not alone.

Our next submission:

“I’m still in love with this dude who literally broke up with me months ago. like i think abt him all the time. idek y but I’m so sick of being obsessed with him cuz like it’s not gonna happen. like he literally said he doesn’t love me anymore. i just don’t know how to move on”

I’m so sorry this is your case! I wouldn’t say I specifically relate but I know many people who might. I have a few different prescriptions depending on how you’d like to move forward.

The first option that I prescribe is TikTok ‘ick’ stories. In these videos you basically picture said ex as the one doing whatever the TikTok describes in order for you to develop the ‘ick’ over them. Here’s some.

Another prescription comes from our lovely Mrs. Bortz. She says that “The Idea of You” with Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Galitzine is a great movie about getting over your ex. After leaving a nasty marriage, Anne Hathaway’s character, Solène, stumbles upon boy band star Hayes (Nicholas Galitzine) at a concert and ends up falling for him. The idea that this movie presents is that, as stated by Mrs. Bortz, “there is always someone better.”

My last prescription is any of these songs:

• “Shoutout to My Ex” by Little Mix
• “Thank u, next” by Ariana Grande
• “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson

Another submission I got:

“i keep dying in slitherio after getting rly big”

I prescribe this Reddit thread. Hope it helps.

There’s some shade in this next submission:

“i can’t get eras tour tickets and my friend has gone TWICE *cough cough ELLIS GRACE WILLIAMS cough* and won’t take me”

As someone who has survived and lost the Ticketmaster war multiple times to go to The Eras Tour I understand your pain. I have a few suggestions:

• Unfriend Ms. Ellis Grace Williams (if she was a real one she’d take you with her
  • (please do not actually unfriend her)
• Watch @officialpickleswift’s live streams while the shows are going on to feel something.
• Avoid checking to see what the surprise songs are for your own sake.
• Read my article about going to Miami N2 which includes our treacherous (pun intended) journey and keep in mind that getting to and from the concert was no easy feat. (So maybe watching it from bed is not such a bad alternative..)

Our next student said:

“I’m about to crash out”

This is relatable to me I also crash out. I prescribe to you a conversation with my very good friend Sousa Waggoner. After talking to her you will feel better since she tends to crash out around 8 times a day.

I can go ahead and tell you that Sousa copes with this by spending time with her friends, watching hours of TikTok, and drinking copious amounts of caffeine.

Senior Everett Landrith says that he dealt with his (one?) crash out by spending time in his thoughts and chilling out the next day. I hope this helps you prevent your crash out, my thoughts are with you.

Next:

“I’m lwk going through a crisis rn bc my best friend, who’s the only person who’s been in my small school and every single one of my classes with me ever, and I, went to different high schools. In my best friend group of five we went to four different high schools. I feel like they’re all so happy and making so many friends and I’m js here missing them. I feel like I compare every single person I meet to them subconsciously and it’s making my life so much harder because all I wanna do is be with them.”

First off, I’m very sorry you feel this way. Second off, if you’re a freshman, I promise you it only gets better from here. I took my time with this prescription and I decided on Inside Out 2, where Riley separates from her best friends in high school and also Mean Girls which displays Cady’s experience at a new school and how much better it gets for her in the end. I also would recommend staying as connected as you can with your old friends. A bunch of my friends as seniors still hang out with their friends from middle school, it’s all about maintaining your connection. Don’t be scared to reach out to new people, everyone is usually nice freshman year.

Well Raptors this was an interesting week of advice! With over 40 submissions I did not get to respond to most of them. If you are interested in seeing this segment again tell me (Elizabeth Hample) or leave a comment down below! Have a great week!