The word Scientology comes from the Latin root “scien” which means knowledge and the Greek word “tology” which means the study of. Scientology, therefore, literally means the “Study of Knowledge”. Some would call it a cult, some would call it a dogmatic religion, but I call it my future home. I became a Scientologist, and have included a step by step guide so you can too. 

Firstly, though, a brief note. Scientology is not only a cult, but a manipulative criminal organization that takes advantage of its members. This will become more clear later on. Scientology is not a religion, it’s an abusive money making scheme that takes advantage of people. They try to lure people off the streets of major cities and trick them into giving them all their money. Some might think this would dissuade me form joining. Nope! 

Step 1) Take a Personality Test

The first step on anyone’s Scientology journey is discovering how emotionally messed up you are. I took a personality test called the “Oxford Capacity Analysis” to discover what parts of my personality needed improvement, at least according to L. Ron Hubbard (Scientology’s founder). The test was 200 questions long. Some question examples are listed below. 

1. Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?
2. Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it?
3. Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?
4. Is your life a constant struggle for survival?
5. Could you agree to “strict discipline”?
6. Are you a slow eater?
7. Do the “petty foibles” of others make you impatient?
8. Do children irritate you?
9. Do you grumble a lot about the conditions you have to face in life?

The results of my personality test were quite worrying. As you can tell, my personality seems to be mostly in the “unacceptable state” portion of the graph. Yikes! I might need a brain transplant. I’m not exactly sure what the different letters mean. Funnily enough, after Googling the test, which has nothing to do with Oxford University, it seems to have originated from the Church itself. From what I’ve read on the internet it’s very difficult to score in the “desirable state” region of the test. Hm! I wonder why that might be. Founder L. Ron Hubbard writes that the test is designed to bring people into the Church. He says that the “hopelessness” (what he calls “ruin”) of the test taker should be emphasized, and the test administrator should repeat that Scientology is the only way to help them. Hm! This sounds completely normal and not predatory. Psychologists have noted that the test seems to have been compiled by someone who has little to no experience in the field of psychometrics. Who needs psychologists when you have Scientologists!

Step 2) Get Audited

Much to my own chagrin, we don’t have a Church here in town. According to the Scientology YouTube channel, the best way to help fix your personality is to do an “audit”, which helps you realize deep repressed truths about yourself. Auditing is a process of specifically worded questions that can help you realize your full potential. An “E-Meter” is a “device” that “helps” you discover what memories cause you stress or discomfort. Sadly, I didn’t have access to an E-Meter. With the help of Mrs. Desbrow, though, I was able to construct something that probably measured the same thing, nothing, that an E-Meter would. I used a device called a capacitor to measure which memories made the most uncomfortable. I registered at a 7.9 the whole time. That seems bad! Campbell Lesher (12) helped me by being my auditor. Perhaps he wasn’t trained enough to properly administer the treatment. Below are a selection of the questions I was asked. 

1. Have you ever bombed anything?
2. Have you ever murdered anyone?
3. Have you ever had anything to do with a baby farm?
4. Do you have a secret you are afraid I’ll find out?
5. Have you ever had unkind thoughts about L. Ron Hubbard?
6. Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
7. Have you ever smothered a baby?
8. Have you ever enslaved a population?
9. Have you ever destroyed a culture?
10. Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?
11. Have you ever zapped anyone?
12. Have you ever eaten a human body?
13. Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?

Auditing is the first step on the “Bridge to Total Freedom.” To advance up the bridge, it’s important to learn h

ow to audit. The goal of the bridge is to become a “Clear” which is a being free from engrams (imprints of traumatic memories) and able to make the best possible decisions all the time. It’s like the scientology equivalent of enlightenment. Again, the only way to become clear is to be audited, or through “TRs” also known as training rituals. They call this “separating from the reactive mind.” Looking at the bridge is overwhelming. The end goal is to become an “OT” or operating thetan. The thetan is basically the Scientologists perception of the soul. If you are OT then you are immortal. The goal initially is to become Clear, which means you are in the “desirable state” on the OCA test. It’s all about reducing the bad values on your chart initially. To achieve this, I asked myself these questions twice a day for a week. 

Step 3) Become Immortal

The next thing to do in Scientology is go through so much processing, auditing, and TRs that you literally become immortal. The only tricky part of this process is that in order to become OT VIII, currently the highest level someone has got to, will cost you somewhere around a quarter of a million dollars. As with any church, the only way to become immortal is by paying almost a quarter of a million dollars. To replicate this feeling I almost Venmoed $999,999 to the Church in the mission of Chico. This is really where the scam begins. Scientology tells you that your life is terrible and that they are the only ones that can fix it, and then they make you pay a small fortune to achieve their goal. The Church Leaders do need a way to pay for their mansions, compounds, and private elite cruise ships. To some, this might seem like predatory behavior designed to steal money from people during the hardest periods of their lives. To me, this is totally normal and completely okay. 

Step 4) Don’t Ever Leave!

Scientology has quite a reputation for excommunicating their old members. Leah Remini, a famed anti-Scientology advocate, has said that they force families to rip apart. Ron Miscavige, father of the leader, said that after he and his wife left, the Church hired a private investigator to track them down. The Washington Post reported that “once, investigators were secretly watching Ron when he was at the grocery store, and mistakenly thought he was having a heart attack. So the investigators called Scientology headquarters asking what they should do. Then, a man who identified himself as David Miscavige got on the phone and said, “If it’s his time to die, let him die. Don’t intervene. Don’t do anything.”” The easy solution to this problem is to not ever leave the church. Just keep giving them more and more money forever! David Micavige also has a reputation for physically abusing his employees. He once choked an employee who didn’t agree with him, and slapped an employee when he asked Miscavige to stop making fun of him. Another ex-employee said he would rather be a “homeless bum” than a Scientologist. Just don’t get on his bad side and you’ll be totally fine. If none of this sounds too bad, then Scientology might be right for you! If you don’t leave the Church then you won’t have to worry about being labeled a “suppressive” and the accompanying lawsuits and stalkers.

Step 5) Learn About the Aliens

Once you reach a certain level in the Church, you discover the true secrets of the universe.  I’ll warn you that I don’t understand what is going on in this, but I’ve done my best to explain. Basically, Scientologists agree that over the course of 36 days the evil galactic overlord Xenu had control over 76 planets that had all the same technology as 50s/60s U.S.A. The soldiers of Xenu went around freezing the people that lived on the planets in refrigerators. Then, they brought those fridges on space planes to other planets and dropped them into volcanoes. Makes total sense to me! They also dropped hydrogen bombs into the volcanoes on the planet Teegeeack, just for good measure. Then, the souls, thetans, of the aliens were sucked into a giant vacuum. After that, the evil Xenu hypnotized the souls with fake 3D movies about human history (like the Roman Catholic Church and Ancient Egypt) to trick them into believing that they were from Earth. Then, billions of years later they carefully developed and guided civilization on earth into cavemen societies and implanted the hypnotized thetan souls into the cavemen bodies. The reason that we all have mental health problems is because Xenu hypnotized our souls 100 billion years ago. Duh!!!! And just in case you’re worried, Xenu is locked in a cage charged by an eternal battery. Everything should now make total sense. Scientology is saving the world by freeing your mind from the hypnotism of Xenu through the courses that L. Ron Hubbard and David Miscavige offer. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

I strongly encourage everyone to join Scientology. You can learn all the secrets of the universe! You can become immortal! The only price you have to pay is a quarter of a million dollars. I hope this easy how-to guide can help you all join the church and be just like me, a supreme lord of the universe completely enlightened.

I haven’t even scratched the surface of what Scientology is, please do some research for yourself so you can learn about all the benefits of joining. I’ve attached a link to Hubbard’s “Dianetics” which can help you get started.