Tuesday September 6, 2022. 

The last bit of water exits my body in beads of sweat that slowly roll down my face. I have almost reached the point of die-dration. As a last resort, I crawl down the steamy school hallway and pull myself up on the water fountain, using my last bit of strength to shove my water bottle under the bottle filler. Nothing. Water supposedly in front of me, yet I have not even a drop to drink. The mirage fades into the dry desert that is the halls of Academic Magnet.

While that was a slightly dramatized version of September 6th, it highlights a particular nuisance that parched, water-drinking students were faced with– a broken water bottle filler on the second floor. According to Mr. Cosgrove, a work order was put in the day after it broke. While it is now fixed (hallelujah!), the trauma imprint it left on our school has yet to be forgotten. Emerson Medlin (11) shudders as she reflects on the time when, “[I went] to fill up my bottle and there was no water.” In the event that we are ever thrown back into a similar situation, here are some coping strategies.

1. Kill three birds with one stone.

Er, with one trek? That’s right. Trek down to the first floor to utilize the functional water bottle filler. All those stairs are enough to qualify as a leg day. And, considering the distance you’ll have to walk from your classroom to the stairwell and then from the stairwell to the water fountain, maintaining a brisk pace over this distance will get you some solid cardio.

Pros: a great opportunity to hit leg day, get some cardio, AND eventually hydrate.

Cons: very exhausting, fatigue from this option might outweigh the benefits of hydration.

2. Lick lab tables.

Check out a science classroom for possible hydrates left on the lab tables. Who knows, you might discover liquid copper to be a more effective hydrator than pure H2O.

Pros: there are lots of available lab tables at our school.

Cons: Mr. McCormick’s tables taste slightly like fermented cat. Not sure what that’s about. 

3. Leave your water bottle on the roof.

Rely on rainwater as a simple, hands-off approach to filling your water bottle. Just ask your teacher for a hall pass, find and secure an escort from Mr. Perlmutter and Mr. Cosgrove, set your water bottle up on the school roof, then step back and let Mother Nature do the work. With all the rain we’ve been having recently, this option is definitely doable.

Pros: the view from the roof is very cool.

Cons: you will miss a lot of class time, and probably information you’ll need on your next assessment in that class.

Finally, if all else fails, submit to dehydration (use as last resort only).