It was a calm, late night on April 26th, 2022. My great friend, David Wang, sends me a harmless news article, as he does from time to time. My eyes immediately lock onto one of my favorite words: Goblin. My heart skips a beat in what I believed to be a bout of excitement as I notice the following word: Mode. Goblin Mode, what a pleasant and innocent sounding topic of study! But my quick and naive headline-reading proved to be my detriment as I observed the description of this new terminology…”SLOBBING OUT AND GIVING UP”! Every negative emotion came tumbling down from the peak of my consciousness. Mainly rage!

Goblins are NOT a symbol for giving up! They do NOT slob out! As I major goblin enthusiast, my first instinct was to discredit the author of this article (who was too scared to put their own name on their nonsensical article), but I understood that I needed to research both sides of the story before making any major claims.

The following is the article I will be referring to throughout my story: Dumby Stupid Article

The author (who I will now be referring to as “the idiot”) described that Goblin Mode is a state in which someone embraces “the comforts of depravity: spending the day in bed watching 90 Day Fiancé on mute while scrolling endlessly through social media, pouring the end of a bag of chips in your mouth, etc…”. I personally find this extremely offensive to goblin culture. It’s about time we stop thinking of Goblins as little green people who steal. At the very least, they are mystical little guys who led the world in creativity and resourcefulness.

The article does briefly mention the CORRECT interpretation of “goblin mode” when it links to a twitter post of a redditor who claimed that going goblin mode is simply when one acts like a little goblin in the middle of the night and runs around their house collecting little trinkets and snacks. There is clearly nothing harmful about this and the moment that the idiot who wrote this article realizes that, there will be more general progress on this planet.

I would like to end this article with a list of the psychological, social, and physical benefits that “Going Goblin Mode” has, but before I do that I want to leave a personal statement for the idiot who wrote the very offensive goblin mode article:

Hello, dear friend. It is important to me that I explain the sadness at the core of my argument. I’m not exactly angry, although it may appear as such. I’m simply upset that, for the foreseeable future, you will not get to experience the joy that is “goblin mode”. I believe everyone has an innate human right to experience the joy of goblin behavior. Please contact me if you would like to learn about the sanctity that “goblin mode” truly is.

Benefits of Goblin Mode:

#1) Exercise

If you do it right, going Goblin Mode can be a great cardiovascular workout. Obviously you can’t go wrong with running around in excessive merriment, but doing so whilst hunched over in a goblin stance can work out muscles you didn’t even realize you had! Not to mention the resistance training that can come from going Goblin Mode in the middle of the night. Right as your body is preparing itself for slumber, pushing yourself to scuttle around in Goblin Mode will do wonders for your natural endurance!

#2 Mental Health

Goblins are naturally very happy beings. This comes from the fact that they regularly occupy themselves with silly activities that release plenty of serotonin. Just you wait and see how great it feels to find a dirty quarter on the ground and go “reehee oh goodness me!” before placing it into your little goblin-sack! Some even believe that going Goblin Mode helps connect us to our ancestral roots, putting us more in-tune with the natural world and its harmony.

#3 Social Health

Who says going Goblin Mode has to be an individual activity? Well, actually lots of people in the goblin community…but that doesn’t mean things can’t change! If you’re feeling lonely or stressed, invite a friend over to go Goblin Mode with! Finding trinkets and little pieces of gold feels even better when you do it with a teammate!

I hope you all enjoyed my scholarly article of going Goblin Mode and have formed a greater understanding on the benefits of it. If you are curious about going Goblin Mode, feel free to contact me in any way possible. Happy Goblin Mode-ing to all!