Tom Nook: -99,000/10

Tom Nook is one of the main figures of Animal Crossing, and one of the most controversial. His role in the game is typically to provide you with a house, and other basic necessities when you first start out. Unfortunately, this minimal assistance comes with a hefty price.

This man has been conning me out of my bells—Animal Crossing’s currency—since 2012. Despite New Horizons’ emphasis on DIY projects and utilization of the island’s free resources, the only way to build a proper house is the same as the game’s predecessors: cough up massive amounts of bells to this guy for even the smallest of upgrades.

 Tom Crook is a sleazy con artist and deserves no respect. My dislike for him spans as deep and wide as the amount of bells that I’ve put in his greedy pockets over the years. Fortunately, he is widely hated across the Internet—and there are loads of memes and videos bullying him. 

Redd: -14/10

Another absolute crook of an animal. For those who are unfamiliar, Redd’s entire purpose inside the game is to sell paintings: half of which are real, half of which are counterfeit. It’s virtually impossible to tell which is which, without the help of Wikipedia. If you’re a ten year-old without internet access, it’s completely impossible—and yes, I speak from experience.

This con artist only earns extra points because of the internet fan theory that he is secretly the ex-husband of Tom Crook. The comedic potential of these two sleazy animals as bitter exes is too good to pass up.

Isabelle: 1000000/10

Isabelle has been virtually the face of Animal Crossing since her debut in New Leaf. This adorable little secretary dog is there for all of your questions and needs, assisting you as mayor in New Leaf and offering an adorably off-topic news cast whenever you open New Horizons. She will also listen to your complaints about the annoying villagers on the island. If anyone tries to insult Isabelle, I will personally see that their limbs are removed. 

Blathers: 10/10

Blathers is an absolute king. This preppy little owl has been in every Animal Crossing game since 2001, working hard to keep the museum running. He can instantly assess any fossil, or identify any creature from around the island.

If you pass up his offer to let him tell you fun facts about a fish or fossil, I likely do not trust you. If you have ever forced him to give you fun facts about a bug—which he’s deathly afraid of—I absolutely do not trust you.

Gulliver: 3/10

Gulliver, like most actual seagulls, is extremely annoying. His score is only positive because he also happens to be quite funny—although it’s usually a matter of laughing at him, rather than with him.

In New Horizons, as well as in some of the earlier games, you’ll occasionally find Gulliver washed up on the beach, murmuring random nonsense and realizing he fell off his boat. He makes you spend the next ten minutes digging through your beaches looking for parts so he can fix his phone, before taking off with his friends. Then, a few days later, you’ll find the most random decorative object in your mail, before the cycle starts anew in a few days.

Dig for the parts yourself next time, Gulliver. (Also, it’s brutally obvious that your “friends” are deliberately throwing you overboard.)

Harriet: -100/10

Let me paint a picture, here. You walk down to the hairdresser, since when you haven’t played for a week the game decides your hair has become a literal nest of rats. You wait for the oddly specific hours that the shop is open, and bring 3,000 bells to cough up for your new look. The hairdresser is an innocent-looking pink poodle, who ushers you to your seat to cut your hair.

But, instead of offering a selection of available haircuts, you are asked a series of questions to determine your vibes. You think it’s just small talk until the poodle whips out a machine, and suddenly you have a new haircut. The only thing you get to pick is the color, and even that is on a complicated set of sliders rather than a simple palette of options. The demonic poodle smiles at you with her beady eyes. You throw down your DS because you just spent 3,000 bells to make your hair look like a butt.

Fortunately, the nightmare has ended—New Horizons allows you to build a mirror and fix your hair however you like, with no charge. Good riddance to this poodle and her deceitful traps.

K.K. Slider: 1000000000000000000/10

K.K. Slider is probably the most influential figure of Animal Crossing, both within and outside of the game’s fanbase. This adorable dog honestly deserves a Grammy for his work. He provides a countless number of songs, all sung in the typical Animal Crossing pattern of speech—high-pitched, indecipherable mumbling. Plenty of his songs have become famous on TikTok or other platforms, and you can find countless K.K.-style renditions of normal songs across Youtube.

My favorite K.K. moment is at the beginning of New Horizons, when he comes to the player in a dream after the first “day” of gameplay to offer advice. “The world was made for exploring, y’know?” he says, while sitting and playing his guitar. “You’ve gotta make friend along the way. Rambling this crazy world is squaresville without some pals. Yeah, man… friends are where it’s at.”

Pascal: 8/10

Once again, I shall paint a picture. You are sixteen now, and still obsessed with the game—basking in the HD graphics of New Horizons and celebrating an island life unhindered by Harriet’s wicked deeds. You are relaxing on the couch mid-quarantine, enjoying the game’s recent swimming update and diving to catch some ocean creatures.

Suddenly, from the depths of the water springs up a strange creature. You stare at the screen in confusion. The creature swims over to you—it’s a red otter wearing a beanie. He asks you for the scallop you just caught, and in fear, you pass it over. He offers you a piece of extremely convoluted advice and disappears back into the murky depths of the ocean. Was it all a dream? You’ll never know. Until you catch another scallop, at least.

Never change, Pascal. Never change.