While doing research for my quiz, “What SOA Major are You Based on Personality”, I asked several SOA students what they thought of Magnet kids. Overall, the most popular answer (behind “arrogant”) was that we are “really REALLY bad at driving”. While I am personally of the opinion that SOA students are simply slower than us, they may have a point. The combined moving violations, car accidents, and parking tickets of the senior class alone approach 4 digit numbers. 

I would like to present a list of driving vocabulary that is not currently DMV or SCDOT approved. Pay attention, freshmen, this will not be taught in your driving class. 

Driving style: The way a person drives exhibited by their overall skill and daringness or safety at the wheel. Some examples are aggressive, polite, conservative, fearful, defensive, offensive, ambitious, 

Driving culture: The collective styles of driving of a particular group of people. For example, Florida drivers tend to be aggressive and SOA drivers are slow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Creative driving: One example of a driving style, that is, in my opinion, far greater than the others. Creative drivers think outside of the box (or, out of the lines, if you prefer). The three objectives of a creative driver are as follows:

1.) overcome the poor driving of others 

2.) get from A to B more quickly

3.) have fun

Offensive driving: You’ve heard of defensive driving, now get ready for offensive driving. Allow me to present this situation: two football teams play both of their defensive squads for the entire game. Who wins? No one. If you want to be the champion of the roads, get on offense people. Offensive drivers rely on the defensive maneuvers of others to drive literally HOWEVER they want. Does the lane next to you have a single car’s length of room in it? Lane change, no blinker. The people next to you can be responsible for handling the fallout. 

Jumping the yellow: This is a highly dangerous (and likely illegal) move that only highly dangerous drivers attempt. It involves being in the left hand turning lane on a solid green light and executing your turn before the drivers coming in the opposite direction have a chance to start moving. It’s hard to explain if you haven’t seen it or done it. Ask Emory Gardner about it! She totaled a whole car sophomore year on this one. 

If your driving style is yet undefined or needs some improvement and flare (I’m looking at you, slow drivers) here are some of the best tips, from the worst drivers I could find:

The Right of Way Goes to the Person with the Cheapest Car.

“This rule has never failed me in the parking lot,” says senior Jack Levenson. “Just think about it, they are going to pay more in damages if they hit you, so it’s in their best interest to let you go,” 

For the record, I like the theory, but please remember that if they prove they had the right of way, your insurance will be paying for their BMW M3 GTS to get some fresh parts. Pricey!

Bad Driving Index: Jack Levenson, 1 ticket (parking), 0 wrecks. 

Only Worry About the Cops in Front of You 

“If you go faster than the cops behind you, then you only have to worry about the cops in front of you,” explained Will. He later added: “I haven’t been pulled over yet, but when I do its gonna be pretty bad thats all I’m saying.”

I can’t say that I understand this tip, honestly, but if you know you know, I guess. 

Bad Driving Index: Will Jordan, 0 tickets, 2 wrecks.

Never Yield When Entering A Turning Circle

That’s all. That’s it. Literally, just don’t yield and see what happens. I learned this trick through observation of my father (while riding in the passenger seat), he just doesn’t yield, and it works for him. 

Bad Driving Index: My Dad, (his best estimate) 10 tickets, ??? wrecks. 

Paying Attention is Overrated.

Bailey Hillen likes to pick her split ends while driving. She likes to ride with her leg up. She likes to listen to music at full volume, and on occasion, she likes to fall asleep. Driving is not a hard sport people, don’t overthink it. 

Bad Driving Index: Bailey Hillen, 0 tickets, 5 wrecks (3 totaled cars). 

Bailey Hillen, is particularly worth discussing as a driver. In all of my research, she has definitely proved herself as the reigning queen of wrecks. She detailed all five of them to me one day in class, and they range from rear ending others, to being rear ended, to the dreaded left hand turn. Rest in peace to her fallen cars, Feronda and Jolene. 

Lastly, once again, I would like to formally state that I am not liable for any damages caused from taking the advice of these individuals. Do not try these at home, and please remember that your car, disposable income, personal safety, the safety of others, drivers licence, and life is on the line. No pressure!