Perhaps even better than the original ABC shows The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise is a reality series that involves men and women from past seasons who either did not find the love of their life or were eliminated in a humiliating rose ceremony since, obviously, being themselves was simply not enough. This season, tensions were especially high since previous contestants who were looking for love in the wake of ugly relationships came to the beach specifically hoping for a fresh start, but they were gravely disappointed to learn their exes were extended the same invitation to enjoy “paradise.” From the fallout over the Stagecoach drama to the first gay couple in Bachelor Nation history, this season was, in our opinion, the most memorable one, so we have decided to recap the most memorable highlights week by week for you. You can thank us later.

DISCLAIMER:

Upon arrival, it was quite apparent who would be important to the drama that would later unfold and who would be a supporting character in the background of the beach watching from afar. Some contestants, such as Sydney, Kevin, Wills, Onyeka, Jane, Bibiana, and Annaliese contributed nothing to the season besides a few insignificant anecdotes about drama that did not involve themselves. Out of sympathy for our fallen soldiers, we felt that the least we could do was acknowledge their existence.

WEEK 1:

Very quickly, pre-paradise drama unfolded as the love triangle (more like love pentagon) from the Stagecoach music festival was revealed. To spare you the many details, basically contestant Blake (Becca’s season of The Bachelorette) was in a casual relationship with Kristina (Nick’s season of The Bachelor) during the music festival, then had ~relations~ with Caelynn (Colton’s season of The Bachelor) the next day, contacted and met up with Hannah G. (Colton’s season) after, and quickly asked Tayshia (Colton’s season) on a date as soon as he arrived at the beach. He was quickly exposed by the women and (spoiler alert) was very unsuccessful at finding love because of this.

Breaking Bachelor in Paradise norms, contestant Demi from Colton’s season of The Bachelor started to build a relationship with Derek, an incredibly sweet and supportive contestant from Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette. However, before coming to the beach, Demi was involved in a relationship with another woman named Krisitian (not a member of Bachelor Nation) and decided to come to paradise to further explore her options, keeping her sexuality a secret.

WEEK 2:

This week began after a rose ceremony from which only irrelevant people left the beach. Also, the beloved Mike Johnson from Hannah’s season arrived! He took Caelynn on an uneventful date, Hannah G. and Dylan continued their relationship, and John Paul Jones half recited a Shakespearean sonnet to Tayshia. What we really wanted to hear, though, was a letter Cam wrote and recited to Caelynn about their time together (friendly reminder that this is only the beginning of week two) that went a little something like this:

“I want you to always feel safe, comfortable, and protected with me moving forward. As I’m recapping the day, I lick my lower lip and your jalapeño-rita spice still lingered and it brought me such joy. Know that I’ll always defend you and be your biggest Cam fan. Don’t let these stupid buttheads bring you down” (Ayala 2019).

Caelynn was not impressed.

WEEK 3:

This week began with the elimination of Christian and Jordan after their epic piñata fight which added nothing important to the show, providing a huge relief for Clay (from Becca’s season of The Bachelorette) as he now had no competition in the fight for Nicole (Colton’s season of The Bachelorette).

Also, Demi’s girlfriend from back home made her appearance on the beach, leaving Demi with no option but to break Derek’s heart and to try to mend her relationship with Kristian. Perhaps the most debated aspect of the season, Kristian was allowed to bend the rules and to stay in Mexico even though the show has traditionally been limited to exclusively former Bachelor Nation contestants.

Caelynn began forming a relationship with Dean, a mustache man who lives in a van.

WEEK 4: 

After much debate, we decided to dedicate this week to arguably one of the most iconic contestants in Bachelor in Paradise history: Tahzjuan Hawkins. She arrived and left within the span of this week but certainly left her mark. She had her eyes focused on John Paul Jones and asked him on a date. Here are some highlights from this occurrence:

JPJ: “I would like to make a toast for my first Tahz-one-on-one!”

Tahzjuan: “HAHAHAHA THAT WAS GOOOOD!”

JPJ: “HAHAHAHA!”

Tahzjuan: “HAHAHAHA I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T!”

After the date, they returned to the beach where Haley stole JPJ away, triggering Tahzjuan to have a mental breakdown because another woman was trying to steal her man. She called Haley a pigeon, threatened to spit in Haley’s drink, got overheated, asked for guacamole, and then left the beach. That was pretty much it.

Also, we learned that no one, especially Derek, should ever insult John Paul Jones’s intelligence.

WEEK 5:

This week was the epitome of boring. The only interesting thing that happened, besides the occasional funny tidbit by John Paul Jones or the queen of the beach, Demi, was the arrival of Old Matt Donald.  He asked Sydney on a date but would not kiss her because of his fear that his mother would get mad if she saw him make physical contact with a girl on live television. For reference, Matt is 26 years old.

WEEK 6:

We wish we could say that we were surprised when Caelynn decided to leave paradise with Dean after he abandoned her on her birthday, but we knew it was bound to happen. Apparently, the shaving of his mustache was enough to convince her that he had changed and was ready for a serious relationship. However, not as fortunate as Dean was JPJ; despite his best efforts to win Tayshia’s heart by throwing her a paradise prom, she ultimately left him for no apparent reason.

There was also a noticeably higher level of awkwardness in the final rose ceremony than at any other time throughout the season’s duration. Luke S., a latecomer to the show, attempted to give Bri his rose, only for her to downright reject it; this humiliating event was the first of its kind in the show’s history. After she also let down poor Matt Donald by declining his request that they continue to the fantasy suites together, only four couples were left standing heading into the finale: Demi and Kristian, Chris and Katie, Dylan and Hannah G., and Clay and Nicole.

FINALE/WHERE THEY ARE NOW:

After a dramatic six weeks in paradise, only five couples remained: Hannah G. and Dylan (engaged), Demi and Kristian (engaged), Chris and Katie (engaged but in a toxic relationship), Caelynn and Dean (in a van), and John Paul Jones and Tayshia (peculiar, yet iconic) after she came to her senses and gave him a second chance.

After recapping where all the couples are now during the tell-all special episode, the new bachelor was revealed!

Drumroll please…

Peter. Peter Webber. The most bland, baby-faced, one-dimensional pilot from California. #Notmybachelor. Personally, we would have loved to see Tyler Cameron or Mike Johnson in this position, as they actually have interesting elements, but we are excited to see the many windmill references in this upcoming season nonetheless.