Hello ladies and gentlemen. As Valentine’s Day falls upon us, I’m sure all of you are dying to prepare for the unpredictable sequence of events. Fortunately for you, astrology provides a 100% accurate prediction of your future, as well as your emotions. With Uranus orbiting alongside Mars since February 11th, the fiery attraction brings action and significant change into our mere mortal lives. Action planet Mars is inhabiting Taurus, which is a sign of work, mindfulness and rest. Hopefully the stars and planets are in your favor!

Aries (March 21 — April 19)

For all my taken lovebirds out there, I must forewarn you: please manage your relentless anger. It is important to value your partner, regardless if (s)he gave you a crappy Valentines gift, or maybe did not give you anything at all. Knowing you, your Valentines may end up in flames— and not the flames you have in mind! Conversely, if you are currently single, it’s time to hit the town, sweet sweet Aries. Take life by the horns and ensnare a brand new love interest. Fiery Mars is rooting for you and ensuring that you will have a successful night.

Taurus (April 20 — May 20)

With Mars inhabiting your sign, you may feel very smothered this Valentines Day. Either you must deal with an overbearing love interest, or your gluttonous self binges on a bottomless pit of nachos and ice cream while you sit alone in your house. Either way, you will be feeling very over-encumbered on this day! Trust your internal voice of reason and take things with a slow pace, because the last thing you want to do is get in over your head.

Gemini (May 21 — June 20)

I’m gonna be honest with you, for you single Geminis out there, this Valentines will potentially be your best Valentines ever. Not because you find the love of your life, or even a mysterious/hot babe, but because you’ll be surrounded by your fellow single friends. After all, all you really need is the love and support from those closest to you. The day you meet your soulmate will be reserved for a later date, so for now, enjoy the time with your buds. For taken Geminis, you will have a good night with your counterpart, but nothing too extraordinary.

Cancer (June 21 — July 22)

There will be many, MANY tears from you, you emotional little crab. I hate to break it to you, but whether you’re in love or going solo, you will probably cry this Valentines Day. I don’t write the fate of the stars, but I can tell you how to best prepare for it. That being said, I would recommend you stock up on tissues and waterproof mascara (if needed). For the next 24 hours, please develop an aversion to sappy romantic comedies—you don’t need that to catalyze your wallowing in self-pity and loneliness. If you are spending the day with your partner, then try not to take everything so personally; (s)he is trying his/her best to ensure that you have a lovely time, and you gotta appreciate that instead of weeping 24/7.

Leo (July 23 — August 22)

Fortunately for you, your Valentines Day will be better than usual. In terms of love, you will experience a noticeable increase in romantic vibes as you go about your day. In fact, you will definitely be in the mood on the 14th, so good for you! Single and taken Leos will both be feeling festive, but it comes with a downside: even though Mercury is not in retrograde, you will be extremely unlucky this Valentines. It’s time to pull out all the stops: don’t walk under ladders, don’t break any mirrors, and kick those black cats to the curb. If you own any lucky socks, it’s in your best interest to wear them; you need all the help you can get. We wouldn’t want your bad luck to detrimentally affect your lovey mood!

Virgo (August 23 — September 22)

Single Virgos: I know it’s hard. For you, Valentines Day is just as special as Groundhog Day, so… Not that special. You are going to get annoyed with all the overzealous couples publicly professing their love on social media. In fact, you are going to get so annoyed that you just may temporarily delete Instagram and/or Snapchat. I don’t blame you, and it’s honestly a good idea. Try not to hyper-fixate on the fact that you were, too, once in love. In contrast, taken Virgos will have a lovely evening with their Valentines! I would highly recommend reserving a nice dinner for your partner, or putting some effort into organizing a romantic picnic. Reminder: avoid onions/garlic. The orbit of Uranus may alter the quality of your breath.

Libra (September 23 — October 22)

There is a 20% chance that the hot girl/guy on Instagram will respond to your spontaneous DM. This Valentines Day, it’s time for you single Libras to shoot your shot. If you exude just enough confidence and reveal your natural magnetism, you’ll be sure to accomplish many things on the 14th. However, there is also a chance that any unnatural attempt to find love with disrupt the balance of the stars and subsequently lead to your impending doom. So, in conclusion: do not force anything. In regards to the Libras that have already coupled up, please keep your expectations low this year and appreciate the little things in your relationship. Otherwise you will end up pretty disappointed.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21)

Stop being so intense. You are going to scare everyone off with your heavy aura. Channel your positive qualities, such as your alluring charm and your ability to connect with others. I know that may be hard, considering you are so guarded and afraid of vulnerability, but this Valentines Day is the perfect opportunity to take a chance and open up to those around you. If you are single, focus on improving yourself instead of worrying about what your crush/ex is doing on this day. If you are taken, remember that your Valentine is a human being, too, and has feelings. Remember to be considerate of him/her and you will surely have a good time!

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21)

It’s time for a dramatic change in your life, dear Sagittarius. Get your nails done, chop your hair off, do something crazy to alter your appearance. Why not? Instead of devoting time and energy to throwing a pity-party for your single self, you will be much more focused on yourself and fun activities you can do while your taken friends are all off on dates. I admire you for your personal strength. If you, yourself, end up on a date (whether that be with a friend, crush, or partner), spend the evening living in the moment instead of preparing for the future. Embrace your curiosity and live hedonistically. Valentines Day only comes around once a year, and the stars are telling me that if you pursue short-term goals, you will have a very, very good night.

Capricorn (December 22 — January 19)

This is going to be the worst Valentines Day of your life. I’m not saying this to discourage you, but to prepare you for the inevitably awful time you will have on the 14th. Something will go wrong, and I hate that for you. It may be that you lose your car keys, get in a fight with a family member/friend, or maybe even crack your phone screen. I recommend keeping your close friends on standby, because you will definitely need them to comfort you as the day goes on. Good luck; no Capricorn is safe.

Aquarius (January 20 — February 18)

I’m a little jealous of you; your Valentine is going to spoil you on this day. That’s all you need to know. You’re already getting luckier than 80% of the population, so you do not deserve a full length paragraph like the other signs.

Pisces (February 19 — March 20)

Alright Pisces, this day isn’t going to be much better than any other day with your partner, which is totally understandable and reasonable. You will still go on a great date, as usual, but it won’t be anything special. Keep in mind that you and your Valentine are already super compatible, so there’s no need to excessively spice up the relationship just because it’s “festive”. In regards to single Pisces, you need to be nicer to your friends. Embrace them wholeheartedly this long weekend and further solidify those bonds. Perhaps bonding over being single will be good for you. Or maybe just party it up and forget about your woes. The choice is yours.