Valentines Day: A day full of failed expectations and lonely exploitations. At best, drunken encounters with strangers in dingy pubs are forgotten; at worst, you spend the next day vomiting up the cheap off-brand, drug-store candy consumed in the darkest, lonely hours of the night before. However, with my help, this Valentine’s Day will be like NO other… look no more, you are ready to accept love the love you deserve. (Be forewarned, I have never led a successful relationship nor lived out a happy Valentine’s Day, so proceed with caution.)

Step One: Temptation

To truly live out your best Valentine’s Day, some preplanning will be required. Specifically, you will need to target another lifeless soul to share the event with. When choosing a victim, there are a few important things to look for. For starters, make sure they are not already romantically occupied; someone who is already dating someone or even just infatuated with someone else is not likely to share your sentiments for an eventful Valentine’s Day. A better person to share it with would be someone who is not currently occupied with other romantic prospects; they will be most grateful for your temptation, and much more likely to latch on and reciprocate.

Step Two: Flirtation

Nothing is going to happen unless YOU make it happen. If you wait around for a Valentine to mysteriously appear, you will get nothing. After you have identified who you want, prepare to take action or face the consequences.  To begin flirtation, simply talk to them. For example, if you are trying to make Mr. Smith your new Mr. Grey, add him on SnapChat, swipe up on his SnapChat story and comment on soccer or horticulture. You are sure to strike up a successful conversation with topics they are interested in. Once you got the conversation going, begin to incorporate flirty phrases; if they do not reciprocate, ABORT MISSION.

Example:

Step 3: Implementation

Now that you have their attention, it’s time to secure the date. To lock down your dream Valentine, keep up daily conversation until it is time to casually slip in the Valentine topic. Perhaps arrange a hangout that happens to fall on February 14th….

You: “Hey bae, whatcha doing on Thursday?”

Bae: “Do you mean Valentine’s Day?”

You: “Oh yea, I guess it is Valentine’s Day.”

Bae: “Well, since I’m single I’m not doing anything.”

You: “Let me take you out…”

Bae: “Sounds good.”

With all the steps laid out for you, you are now ready to take action. Remember it is always important to show interest, but not TOO much interest; people want what they can’t have. May you get everything you wanted out of 2019 Valentine’s Day.