With the holidays in full swing it seems that a lot of y’all have questions regarding this magical time of the year. You made the right decision, turning to the most sage wisdom available in the school or anywhere on the internet. Allow us to be your guides through this journey we call life.

What should I get my boyfriend for Christmas? – A Sophomore Girl 

A Mug. Guys. Love. Mugs. Maybe a mug with a funny joke on it or one that relates to his favorite anime. But definitely a mug. Guys don’t like things like fancy speakers or snazzy shoes. Mugs. Simple as that. Buy a mug.

What’re some fire Christmas tracks? – A Junior Boy

I’m gonna kick this off with a few classic holiday bops. If you are feeling nostalgic of the days when Christmas was just about receiving toys and passing out at 7 PM I would recommend either “Feliz Navidad,” “Jingle Bell Rock,” or maybe even “Silver Bells”. If you are looking to get “lit” as the kids say, I would recommend cranking up “St. Brick Intro” by Gucci Mane or “Mariah Carey – All I want for Christmas Is You Remix” by Kaotonix on SoundCloud. Prepare to feel jolly young one.     

What is the least amount of money I can spend on a gift for my girlfriend? – A Freshman Boy

You are playing a dangerous game my friend. From personal experience I wish I could say that it’s the thought that counts. However that is not true. You have to spend a minimum of $73 otherwise she will sniff out your lack of love for her.

Is Santa real? – A Freshman Girl

Have you not seen the Polar Express? The fact you’re asking this question leads me to believe  you are uncultured and completely ignorant. Go educate yourself you fool.

Is it worth it to buy an internet girlfriend to take to my family’s Christmas? – A Sophomore Boy

If there is an expectation for an appearance of a special someone, then I wouldn’t say it’s worth it… I’d say it’s ABSOLUTELY necessary. Run a background check and take her down to the local physician first but after all those prerequisites, you are golden.

Will I end up on the naughty list for money laundering through a school cafeteria? – A Junior Girl

Only if you get caught. And on an unrelated note I would like to petition to have all of the cafeteria counters opened up. These lines are just too dern long. I mean I cut in front of of the smaller people every time but if each counter was opened with different lunch genres everything would move much more swimmingly.

How do you get on the nice list? – A Sophomore Boy

We actually have developed a concrete relationship with the big man over our tenure on the nice list. We can put in a good word if you’re willing to Venmo a considerable amount (for the children) to @MasonBishop14 and Max-Windom.

Should I be concerned if I’m Jewish and feeling connected to the Christmas spirit? – A Senior Boy

Do not feel ashamed my little Boldgerg. The songs and aura of the season have the ability to impede across a multicultural barrier. We interviewed Josh Cumins (a fellow Hebrew) and he told us about his “Christmas” traditions where they set up a tree and celebrate the birth of Nieman Marcus. The Cumins also celebrate Hannukah and feel no shame when dabbling in the traditions of other cultures. We applaud your and their open-mindedness.

Happy Holidays from the Talon Staff!