Nixon had his Watergate, Donald Trump had his [insert anything], Bill Clinton had his Monica Lewinsky, are there any secrets we don’t know about our own President?  As experienced investigative journalists, Graham Inabnett and I delved into the life and times of Shabih Jafri, with no regard for our personal safety.  The people need answers, and we are here to find them.

Describe yourself in 5 words.

“caring, loyal, dedicated, charismatic, pious”

What do you think your biggest successes have been as President?

“improving the student atmosphere in terms of spirit week, coachella, successes soon to be: food trucks, bubble soccer, and the Halloween carnival(?)”

What about your biggest failures?

“Every failure is a success.  Because failure is the stepping stone to success.  Write that [mess] down.”

Has your time as a Soundcloud rapper improved your speechwriting ability?

“Lemme elaborate on that.  I am not a Soundcloud rapper, I am more of a hobbyist.  One of my hobbies is music.  Don’t write rapping, it has a bad stigma.”

Why do you make so many weird noises?

*mumbles* “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” *proceeds to make a weird noise*

Do you think Carl Azuz has shaped your political career?

“Who is Carl Azuz? Ohhhh Carl, a very entertaining individual.  Wait, what was the question again?  No, I shape my political career.  I’m also Gandhi.”

As sophomore class president, do you believe you were a direct cause of the results and controversies of the 2016 election?

“Most definitely.  I played a quintessential role.  Every failure is a success.”

Recently in photography, your entire roll of film was damaged and unusable.  Are you just bad at photography, or did those photos contain incriminating evidence that could damage your political career?

“Those negatives… I reshot my entire film. *stammers* Well, ok – they just… I believe that there were technical issues with my camera.  Nothing was on them.  They were just blank negatives.  It was a bad camera.”

Can you list some of your catchphrases?

“Wakanda Forever, Shoutout Jake Smalley, Treway”

Because you claim that your father is a Norse god, do you think you live in his shadow?

“Please woman, I live in no one’s shadow but my own.”

Do you understand half of what you’re saying, because, according to some people, they don’t?

“I live in the fourth dimension.  The reason they don’t understand is because I speak four languages, and I’m just like, ahead.  I like, speak in future time, like a genie.”

Many believe that Ronald Reagan is the cause for the fall of communism; do you think that you perhaps have had a bigger impact on the prevalence of democracy?

“I mean no.  I mean yah.  I respect Ronald Reagan for his contributions.”

What’s your biggest secret?

“I don’t have any secrets.”

Any political scandals to report?

“The only scandal in our council is that we all love each other too much.”

Do you think you or Rob Fowler is better at predicting the weather?

“Who the [heck] is Rob Fowler.”

Aap hindee bolate hain? (You speak Hindi, right?)

“Yeah.”

Do you think you’ll be on Forbes 30 Under 30 list in 2019?

“I think the definition of success varies from person to person.  I may not be on that list but that doesn’t mean that I won’t be successful.  Money doesn’t equate to happiness.  But nonetheless I would like to be affluent and make a positive impact on the world.  I am an airbender.”

What are your future career plans?

*bangs knee* “There are a bunch of career paths that I could pursue.  Particularly law or business; it’s something that I enjoy learning about, so why not?”

Is it true that the U.S. needs to eliminate its national debt?

“The U.S. could trim its debt by installing programs similar to those installed during the New Deal.  But as of right now our economy isn’t that bad.  I don’t think [the national debt] can be cured; we would need at least a few decades to reduce it.”

The poet John Keats once wrote (in his poem “Ode on a Grecian Urn”):

“Beauty is truth, truth beauty, – that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.”

By contrast, Plato (in The Republic) warns of poetry’s power to make a falsehood seem true, by beautifying it.

What, then, is the relationship between beauty, as achieved by the artist, and truth?

*proceeds to bang on imaginary drum set* “I believe…what…ok…I believe truth and beauty don’t necessarily have to be correlated, per se.  What I believe is what the artist portrays in his or her art can be perceived as beauty but it also can be viewed as, you know, horrible.  I believe truth is a separate entity.”

When you get tired of being President, are you just going to switch out your twin and act like nothing happened?

“Silence yourself.”

With senior assassin going on, do you feel the need for a Secret Service unit?

“I’m already out so…”

Civilian’s opinions on this mystical figure:

Graham Inabnett: “I first met Shabih the first day of freshmen year in my geometry class.  It was 4A.  Back then, he had a bowl cut.  That was pretty funny.  He constantly called me “Parallelograham” all year because he thought it was funny, but, in fact, it was not.  Then, sophomore year I was in AP Bio with him.  That was a mess, but we survived together.  I was also on the sprinting team with him in the spring.  He started out really good but as soon as his confidence was crushed at the first meet by coming in last, he gave up.  Junior year was a lonely time without my mans.  Yet now, I find myself at the same table with him in photography, and I’m realizing it was a mistake to have a last name that starts with the letter “I”.  I might even have to stand next to him at graduation, which will be an experience to say the least.”

Upon realizing that this is a rather scathing quote, Graham states that “I hope he knows I’m joking most of the time. He’s definitely a good guy and I’m really glad I know him.”

Hannah O: “I’ve heard he’s made some very corrupt decisions.  Like stealing all the pennies from Penny Wars.”

*pause*

“I made that all up.”

Lyle Johnson: “He’s like a modern-day Don Quixote.”

Sarah Norman: “One time I looked over in photography, and he was licking the back of his hand and rubbing his head like a cat washing himself. He also meows randomly.”

Ean Tucker: “He far exceeded my expectations.”

Pope Francis: “I think Shabih is the most influential leader next to Jesus.”

Stuart Philp: “I do wonder how effective his presidency is because he FaceTimes me every single day, and I don’t see how he has time for that.”

Eli Leroy: “A truly compassionate friend.”

Jared Lipton: “He really does need that nectar.”

Janie O’Shea: “Shabih is an iconic member of the Magnet community.  We really would not be the same without him.”

Natalie Aversano: “I wish Maryam had eaten him in the womb.  Also I thought his name was Shabeeb for a while.”

Kate Kuisel: “My favorite thing about him is the weird noises he makes.”

Abby Bonner: “I voted for him because of the spiderman suit.”

John Conley: “Shabih be good boy.”

After performing a figurative meta-analysis of this qualitative data, we have come to the conclusion that Mr. President is a genuine person who is true to himself.  With a larger than life personality, Shabih is beloved by his countrymen.  In honor of the publication date of this article, we are making November 2nd National Shabih Day.