The vast universe beyond our little blue rock has always mystified the simple minds of mankind. We seek to create guidance and reasoning from the various celestial movements. Unlike all the “scientists” who believe that “the stars can’t tell you about your future,” I am here to tell you exactly what is going to happen in your life based on my minimal knowledge of the stars. For those who aren’t educated enough to know their own zodiac sign (idiots) I will include them for your viewing pleasure.

Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18

Someone in your life is plotting your murder. I don’t know the specifics but more than likely they asked you for some batteries for their Wii remote and you didn’t have any batteries. Unacceptable. You probably deserve what is coming for you. Anyways you should try and flee the country. I would recommend either Argentina or Iceland. Start a new life raising cattle or starting a pine tree farm. Also change your name to something mysterious and fun, like Craig. Best wishes.

Pisces: Feb 18 – Mar 20

You are going to go on a fishing trip. You may not want to go fishing or even enjoy fishing, but you will be fishing. If I had to guess there is a 2/1 chance you fall in the water. You will fall in twice. I hope you know how to swim. That would be unfortunate if you couldn’t.

Aries: Mar 20 – Apr 20

You will experience car trouble. One day, you will be riding along, bobbing your head up and down to a classic bop, such as “Live Your Life” by T.I. featuring Rhianna, not a care in the world. The next you you know BANG!!! You are almost out of gas. Then you have to pull into a sketchy gas station that smells like cigs and mothballs. Gross. Now you have to spend copious amounts of money on gas rather than buying your mother a Christmas present. And now your mom hates you. Friendly reminder to make sure you aren’t putting diesel in your car like our classmate Ethan Fewell.

Taurus: Apr 20 – May 21

Hidden talents are abound in your future. Perhaps you have always been a talented lil fella, but soon you will become even more talented. My best guess is that the talent will either be ham-boning or impersonating foreign politicians. Use these talents to become extremely rich and powerful. With your new fame and fortune you will need to abandon those leeches that call themselves your “friends.” They only love you for your spot on impersonation of Kim Jung Un. I would recommend becoming friends with the newly single Ariana Grande. Side note I have called dibs on Ari so back off.

Gemini: May 21 – Jun 21 

The person who sits next to you in math is possessed by the ghost of Michael Jackson. MJ feels that you have wronged him by refusing to sing “Smooth Criminal” during your last trip to the aquarium. You should have just sung the song, Andrew. WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SING THE SONG ANDREW?!?!?!? Now you will be haunted for the rest of your days. You could lessen the hauntings by purchasing a cat spleen and roasting it in a fire of dwarf fur and dragon tongue, but that will only help to stop the screaming in the middle of the night.

Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 23

You will be very hungry in a couple of hours. You body will crave the savory nurturing of a cheeseburger or perhaps a quesadilla, though your heart desires the sweet chill of a milkshake to calm your anxiety about the impending demise of human society. The only logical compromise will be to go to Cookout. Once you arrive at Heaven on Earth, you will order the Cookout tray with a Big-Double burger, fries and a chicken and cheese quesadilla. Instead of getting the classic sweet tea to combat the salty fries, you are going to treat yo self with a Peach Cobbler milkshake. You fancy dog.

Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 23

The moons of Jupiter and Hubble Telescope have aligned this morrow. This means that you will either find love or the current love you are involved in is going to crash and burn in a blaze of glory. Your new significant other is going to be the perfect match to fill that dark void in your life that you normally fill with pizza rolls and Fortnite. Consequently, those of you who are involved in a romantic relationship will soon see your love die similar to Spider-Man in the last Avengers movie where it withers into dust right before your eyes. I recommend investing in a Tamagotchi. They will always love you.

Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 23

Not gonna lie, things aren’t looking too hot for you my guy or girl. The state of New Mexico will issue a warrant for your arrest on the grounds of a bank robbery/homicide that you will commit. You wouldn’t need this money if you hadn’t invested your parents savings into a dog food pyramid scheme. You are going to end up spending 25 years to Life in a state jail. Tell your cellmate Frank that I said hello.

Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 23

You gonna get the flu. Tough.

Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 22

Your daughter is going to take a trip to Paris. When she arrives she and her friend will get abducted by an Albanian gang but she will have just enough time to call you and tell you what is happening. Luckily you are a retired CIA operative with a particular set of skills, skills that you have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make you a nightmare for people like them. You are also Liam Neeson. Your life is the movie Taken.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 22

 You will start looking for Christmas presents very soon. One day when you are out shopping, something will catch your eye. You will think, “wow I bet some member of my family would really appreciate this gift.” But then another thought comes to mind, a must more logical thought, and that thought is, “wow forget my family I should this nice gift for Mason Bishop, he is very deserving of a present from me.” Now while I may be slightly biased, I can tell you from experience that if you don’t follow the prediction of your horoscope there is a very likely chance that either your dog or grandfather will get hit by a bus. The decision is yours.

Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 20

Your life really isn’t going to change that much. Maybe you will get a new shirt that really works for you, or possibly you find a common bond with your Math teacher. I’m not really sure. Basically you will just continue to spend your days soaking up the vibrant meme culture of our generation rather than interacting with the other human people in your close vicinity. Solid plan.

Now, more than likely you are doubting that my predictions will come true. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that everything I have predicted will happen. Regardless, be sure to share this with all of your close friends and neighbors and any random strangers that invite you into the back of their vans for candy. Also you should get into the van. Halloween time means that they probably do have candy.