Everyone wants mystery in their lives, but sometimes they just want a little sneak peek at whats to come. Well I’m gonna give you a little taste of what you’re about to bite into, for the week of November 13th. I’m not saying that this is completely true, or even partially true, I mean none of it may come true but please still give me a 5 star rating on yelp… I have a dog to feed.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

• Because of the angle of the moon and its effects on the waves near Antarctica, you will meet someone in the next 7 days who was born in the same year as you. This person is probably in your grade, and you probably already know them, but still how cool is it to find someone with the same birth-year as you!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

• The storm on Jupiter is growing, and so is your love for air. You crave oxygen, and will continue to be addicted until finally you just cant take it anymore. But don’t worry, that time for you is not in December, so enjoy your sweet lung-full of air while you still can.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

• Geminis are known for their intelligence, beauty, and skills in literally all aspects. If you are a Gemini you are a lucky son of a mother, because you will be pretty successful in life, on one condition. If you are a Gemini AND have at least a 1.5 GPA, you will go far. Maybe not college far, but definitely Walmart Afternoon Assistant Assistant County Regional Manager far. If you have a 2.5 or above, congratulations Mr. Future President.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

• The sun is fairly hot, and so are your acute deciphering skills. You correctly guessed that I am a Gemini. You also correctly guessed that this horoscope article is not exactly what you thought it would be.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

• According to the lunar calendar of Saturn’s moon Titan, things might go bad on Earth for you Leos. Try not to drink much water. Or any water really. Just stay away from any liquids, including crossing any bridges and taking showers. If you feel like you’re thirsty. just ignore it. It’s just Satan trying to get you to sip on some Devil-juice (water).

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

• Look down at your feet. If you have on two different color socks, you are going to have an AMAZING month. You will be rewarded with a good night’s rest, a nice and hearty meal tomorrow, and access to reliable drinking water (no more than 4 cups.). BUT… if one of these socks have any trace of the color white or black on them, then within the next 19 days you will lose your lucky penny that you keep hidden in the back of your sock drawer. Sorry not sorry.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

• Like this post for *10* days of gooood luck! Like in the next 5 seconds and your !crush! will talk to you in school and you find a ##crissssp# ~$10~ bill within the next 7 years. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE…. you will be alone forever, constantly regretting those 5 seconds in which you did not like this post. You will not have your crush talk to you, and will be single forever, no boyfriend/girlfriend, no wife/husband, not even a CAT. You will sink into a dark, depressing hole, stuck in your cabin in the woods, where you will live for the rest of your miserable life, alone, scared of the raccoons that wander around your trash cans, looking for good food, but all they can find is your half-eaten ramen cups and a basket of rotten bread.       So like this post 🙂

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

• This week, everything will become clear as it is unclear. Because the thinker does the thinking, the sinker does the sinking, so when the dead man has the key to the city of dreams, crazy orange trees iguana.

Sagittarius (November 21 – December 22)

• You know how when you always go to Chickfila and when the speaker at the drive thru asks you what you want and you’re thinking to yourself like uhhh do i want chick-n-minis or a spicy chicken deluxe sandwich…  why not get both! This is your month to do WHATEVER you want. Live on the wild side. Get adventurous. If you want to make a right turn without showing your blinker, do it! If you want to put off your math homework until the last day, do it! If you want to run around in the rain yelling “all hail chupacabra”, do it! But maybe you should also get a more interesting life, loser.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

• *Warning: this only applies to you if the sun comes up within the next week. Yeah, its autumn, so we know that some of you who live in the sad desolate wasteland of Antarctica or Alaska do not have access to the big yellow giant that we name after our male child. Sorry but this means that you don’t get a horoscope for this week. Make one up on your own you uncreative corn.*
• Capricorns love a good party, so be prepared for the wildest night of your life this weekend. Your motto is ‘anywhere, anytime’, even in your friend’s backyard the night before your thesis is due. Anyways, because Capricorn’s love to have fun, they usually are more comfortable in new situations. So when you finally get that ‘A’ that you’ve been waiting for throughout your entire high-school career, do NOT freak out. This may be new to you, but other, normal, people who don’t waste their time partying actually know what it feels like to make their parents proud.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

• The alignment of the third moon of Mercury (Mistletoe) and the 7th large asteroid of Mars (Mordor) provide the distant icy planet of Pluto with magnetic celestial radiation that you should also take advantage of, but only for the next 24 hours. Do you understand? Good, because this is a life or death situation. You MUST comprehend the words that I am typing, because the future of your country depends on it.
• Also, stop pretending to understand things that you clearly don’t. You think that when someone is talking to you about physics and you nod your head and smile, they don’t know that you’re faking it? Well they do. You look dumb.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

• Did you know that if you ever spill sauce on your clothes that you can just take a little bit of peanut butter mixed with bleach and a squeeze of lemon and rub it on the spot that it will go away? It’s true. Try this next time you see a friend drop their chick-fil-a special sauce on their $700 leather Gucci pants.
• Also, stop being so gullible. Everyone laughs at you.