As college applications loom on the dark horizon, the senior class is entrenched in questions as well meaning relatives, friends, teachers (and me) endlessly interrogate the very tired Class of ‘26 about their plans for the rest of their lives (no pressure). So where are our fabulous upperclassmen applying? My answer is way too many places. Here are their answers.

Parker Hamilton:

Parker’s top college is not far from home. He intends to go to the Citadel because it has a lot of benefits outside of college and will help him make connections with other people. Parker is also applying to Notre Dame, Clemson, USC, and UT Austin and states he “might as well just apply to Harvard while [he]’s at it.” We love your confidence. Parker intends to major in finance with the ultimate goal of being a banker, specifically one that specializes in mergers and acquisitions because “that’s where the money’s at gang.” No matter where he ends up we know that Parker will definitely make some kind of impact on the people around him.

Zadie Hawk:

What to say about Zadie Hawk? Zadie’s top college choice is Davidson because it’s relatively close to home with a great humanities program and ample opportunities to be outdoors. Apparently she’s an avid hiker, hidden talents I guess. Besides her yearning to frolic outdoors, Zadie is also interested in public policy which she intends to major in wherever she ends up. Maybe she’ll pass a policy to save the trees. We can call her “Zadie Hawk, real life lorax.” In addition to Davidson, Zadie is applying to USC, Clemson, Boulder, and Elon among others. She seems to have a fairly tame list compared to some of the twenty college long monstrosities I’ve seen which makes me slightly less scared of her. After college Zadie has no idea what she’s going to do for the rest of her life and that’s okay. She will probably end up doing pretty adequately in life. Good luck in the admissions process Zadie. 

Kyler Richardson:

Kyler’s top college choice is Virginia Tech because he thinks the campus is pretty and has family in the area. He is also applying to USC, UNC Chapel Hill, UVA, and Boston University. Kyler’s goal is to major in psychology and eventually become a therapist who may or may not promote exorbitant caffeine consumption. I predict that Kyler will also somehow manage to adopt upwards of twenty cats, just a hunch. I hope your roommate is not allergic.

Helina Lloyd:

Helina has a lot of life plans. She wants to major in microbiology at Northeastern. Northeastern is her top choice because she likes their super cool research opportunities and study abroad program. She also states that the environment around it is ideal as it is in a city but not in a big, busy city. Helina is also applying to Boston University, UCLA, and Stanford among others. With her microbiology degree, Helina intends to become a pediatric dermatologist. Not quite sure what led her to this life path but we support her. 

Charlie Claus:

Charlie’s top college choice is the renowned university of “no clue.” He just has too many good options to choose from and a crippling case of indecisiveness. Charlie is applying to a multitude of schools including USC, UVA, UNC, and UCLA. Although he claims that easy access to surfing in college is not a factor in his decision, he does concede that going to a school in close proximity to the ocean would be cool. Charlie, like Zadie, is interested in nature and intends to major in environmental sciences or an associated field. Instead of trees, he likely wants to save the turtles. When he grows up, Charlie wants to be “the very best” and by that he means he wants to be incredibly rich. I hope that works out for him.

Hannah McLaughlin:

Hannah is another big fan of the University of I Don’t Know, which at this point in the process is a very popular and very valid top choice. At the moment she is still deciding if she wants to stay close to home or go far away for college. Hannah is applying to many schools including NYU, CofC, USC, and UNC Charlotte. Despite not knowing where she wants to go, she does know that she wants to major in pre-nursing with the ultimate goal of becoming an oncology nurse. Wherever she ends up, we’re sure Hannah will have a fabulous college experience.

Samuel Galloway:

Sam is a legacy of his top college choice. As he wants to stay in state and follow in his father’s footsteps, Clemson is an obvious choice. He is also applying to USC which is actually the exact opposite of Clemson as I’m pretty sure they are rival schools. Whatever floats his boat I guess. Sam wants to major in an undeclared variety of engineering. When asked about his plans for the rest of his life, Sam stated that he had “no clue” what he wanted to be in the future. He seemed very sad and disappointed in himself. We hope you feel better Sam.

Zuriel Nyamutsaka:

In a shocking twist that no one saw coming, Zuriel wants to major in political science in college. His top college choice is American University. I know nothing about it but based on the name I suppose that it is incredibly patriotic. American University is the perfect fit for Zuriel as it is in DC where the atmosphere is perfect for the field of political science. Zuriel is also applying to Howard, George Washington University, University of Washington, and USC. When he grows up, Zuriel wants to be a politician in the South Carolina State House of Representatives. Look for him on your ballot in a few years.

Over the course of their years at Academic Magnet, the Class of 2026 has proven to be capable, with unique perspectives and strengths that will spice up college essays. They will probably help the rest of our lives too but first things first. Good luck to all the seniors. Remember two things: you are not just a transcript and oxford commas are a necessity in your college essay.