Why Metal Water Bottles are Lowering GPAs

This ends now. Join the movement against metal waterbottles, and raise your SAT scores. #TeamPlastic

DANGER
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Why Metal Water Bottles are Lowering GPAs

DANGER

DANGER

DANGER

DANGER

You know the feeling. You are actively listening in class and taking diligent notes. Suddenly your heart stops. A intense CLANG echos from around the the room. Yet another metal water bottle has hit the ground. It takes you minutes to catch your breath as your entire life flashed before your eyes. “Sorry” the culprit mutters. But the damage is done. You will never be able to get that valuable class time back.  If it weren’t for these metal water bottles of idiocy, Harvard would be all of our safety schools.

These days everyone has a Yeti ,Hydroflask, Swell, or at least a knock-off version of one. Sure it keeps your drinks somewhat cold, but ask yourself. Is it worth it? Is it worth the pain? Is it worth the lower GPAs and SAT scores? But I stand with you fellow Magnet students. I am loyal to the plastic that has kept us focused and hydrated in class for years. Technology is both beneficial and burdensome.

In fact, the Big Bang occurred when God himself dropped his Hydroflask.

Around 5-10 minutes is lost per class period as stated from a sample random survey of Magnet teacher.

“It drives me nuts”-Mrs. Hoofsttetter

Here are some thoughts from the prominent figures in the anti-metal water bottle movement:

“You can taste the metal”-Hannah Garcia

“As opposed to plastic bottles, which float on the surface of the ocean. Metal water bottles sink to the bottom at a high velocity and knock out crabs.”-Rachel Maile

“My big cup is made of plastic and I got it from Walmart for 8 dollars. Metal makes the water taste funky’-Hannah O

Overall those in favor of plastic, love peace and quiet. They are respectful towards their peers and tend to recycle. The extra silence they enjoy boosts their GPA, and makes them perfect dates to take home to mom. Be sure to give a plastic water bottle user a fist bump when you see them.

Those of the metal water bottle cult have their own (wrong) opinions:

“Not only is the Hydroflask durable, it does not contribute to ocean pollution”-Andrew Zimlich, who did not cite his sources.

“It keeps my water cold” (said as she purposely dropped the metal Hydroflask)-Anne Claire Purcell

“I really like them sometimes they make my water taste like metal and it is good for the environment. I think it is funny when it drops.” – Lindsay Lankau

In conclusion, those who support metal water bottles love to see the pain of others as they take away learning time. They claim to support the environment, but this is just a facade. Be sure to give them a nasty look in the hallway.

 

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