THE TALON

Ask Mason and Max Vol. 2

Where All Your Troubles Come to Die

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He might've asked a question

He might've asked a question

He might've asked a question

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Question 1: Should I date this freshman girl who’s a cutie? How should I make the move? I’m thinking about seeing if she needs a ride to school. Please help me. – A Sophomore Boy

Well it seems like we don’t need to answer the first question (hence the “how should I make a move?”). We’re going to advise you against giving her a ride to school for a few reasons. A) If she doesn’t like you back, it’ll be an awkward hike. B) If y’all date for a while then you find out she ain’t all that, then you’re just going to be riding beside some girl that doesn’t quite sweeten your tea like you thought. Instead, opt for giving her a ride to the football game so y’all can catch some grub and chill after (#P@B’s). Good luck my man and thanks for the predicament.

Question 2: I really like this girl but I’m scared to make a move on her because my bro also likes her. What’s the move? – A Junior Boy

First thing’s first. Don’t break the bro code. You gotta first ask your friend if it’s chill to pursue her, then once you got the clear, full send. Just make sure you don’t sit back and let it go because the feeling of regret is worse than the feeling of failure my friend.

Question 3: Alright boys, I like this girl but we have kinda been close friends and I’m trying to escape the friend zone. Help a brother out. – A Sophomore Boy

Do not fear my friend, not all hope is lost. The seemingly never-ending, soul-sucking abyss of the friend zone has ensnared many of our fallen brothers, but these tips should beckon your poor soul out of the trench. First, we’d suggest discontinuing casual hangouts and conversations. Try to be more mysterious and create some distance, then all of a sudden ask her to chill (just you two). In your few conversations, try to be a little flirty but don’t overdo it. We don’t need to be witnesses to any court cases involving a restraining order. On that note, we wish you the best of luck young homie.

Question 4: What are the best munchy foods? – A Freshman Boy

We’re gonna assume you’re referring to some late night snacks. If you have access to a car, we’d recommend the Cookout tray with a big double burger, fries, and a honey mustard chicken wrap. If you’re at the house, we’d suggest you dabble in some oatmeal cream pies, honey buns, fruit snacks, gushers, hot cheetos, or Chef Boyardee. Also, do not be afraid to dabble in the culinary arts, for it serves as a lifelong skill and absolute lady killer.

Question 5: This sophomore boy is really weird and pretends like he doesn’t know me but then apparently talks about me all the time. How do I shut him down? – A Senior Girl

We’d advise you to be up front about the situation and let ‘em down easy. If it continues, you can lay down the hammer and tell that lil dude to stay in his lane. At the conclusion, you can send him youtube links to any songs by X or the Biebs to lessen the blow. Or you can tell all your friends and embarrass him, the choice is yours.

You can lay down the hammer and tell that lil dude to stay in his lane.”

— M&M

Question 6: How do I get rid of an awful nickname? – A Senior Boy

Do something really stupid and memorable that overshadows the previous nickname.

Question 7: Do you recommend occasionally skipping a class to avoid a test? – A Freshman Boy

Sometimes ya just need one of those days to sleep in a little and get caught up on all of your work. This school has a magical way of completely abolishing any hint of a work ethic you may have left in the tank. We’d recommend staying home the whole day so that you can refresh and listen to some fire tracks to set your mind straight. Just don’t take too many days off in case you get the flu or meningo myelitis. 

Question 8: How can I encourage my grade to have a hurricane wall theme? I’ve promoted the idea many times but they don’t listen to me. – A Sophomore Boy

You gotta make sure your ideas are gas by running it by a few dudes first and seeing their stoked-ness. Then, you have to solidify your means of communication and grab everybody’s attention. Ultimately, most ideas are thrown out to the window so don’t get your feelings hurt if it doesn’t work out.

Question 9: Should I wait it out for this girl who I like? We’re real close friends and flirt a little but she’s involved with another dude. – A Junior Boy

Honestly, go for it but make sure you know he’s outta the picture when you send. It sounds like y’all are already connecting and if she’s flirting, she obviously isn’t that interested in the other guy. If the girl is reading this and suspects the situation is about herself, we’re going to have to advise the Hot-Pocket technique. Good luck my friend.

 

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