THE TALON

Ask Mason and Max

Providing the Youth of Magnet with Guidance through the Troubled Times

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Hello there youngins. We are Mason and Max, two experienced and charismatic seniors who want to impart some of our knowledge and wisdom onto y’all. We understand that high school is a crazy time with changing ideals and raging hormones. That is why we are here to help y’all with any (appropriate) problems y’all may have. You can submit your questions to Locker 173 in the downstairs hallway or via snapchat @askmasonandmax. All questions are anonymous. We aint no narcs.

Question 1: There’s this girl that I like but she doesn’t know me, what should I do? -A Freshman Boy

Advice: First of all, we’re not sure how you can like her if y’all don’t talk yet, but we’re not here to trample your love. We suggest that you start by talking with her in classes or at lunch. Once you feel the spark, add some kindling and make that fire burn. Full send, get her number and hit her up with some fire memes on the reg to let her know that you got a solid sense of humor. Always remember, you can catch flies with honey, but you catch more honeys being fly, so maybe dress with sauce and show her you have a classy side. In the end, just be yourself and let her know you are interested. If its meant to be it’ll happen.

I take their advice for every decision I make ”

— Abraham Lincoln

Question 2: A girl wore the same shirt as me today. Should I square up with her to assert that I am the only one allowed to wear this shirt or should I take the high road and forget about it? -A Sophomore Girl

Advice: Never take the high road. You wore that shirt because you love how it looks on you and that’s what matters. We technically can’t tell you to “square up” with her (do it) so we would suggest talking with this girl and creating a shirt schedule so as to avoid those awkward situations.

Question 3: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. Recently though, he traveled out of the country for a while and it feels like our spark is gone. I really like him and want to keep dating but it doesn’t feel the same. Should I drop him like a hotpocket or try to make things work? Thanks M&M <3 -A Junior Girl

Advice: We here at M&M are huge advocates all forms of LOVE! You should do whatever your heart is telling you. But if your heart isn’t speaking a language you understand (i.e. Mandarin or Portuguese) we would have to suggest that you go with the hot-pocket technique and cut all ties immediately and find yourself a new boy toy. It’s only high school so statistically speaking y’all were doomed from the start. Hope this helped.

Question 4: My boyfriend and I were an absolute power couple in 8th grade at Haut Gap. Now we are broken up because we had to go to different high schools. Neither of us can drive so we decided not to do a long distance relationship. I’m so frustrated because I miss him a lot, but he doesn’t I guess???? He started snapping my best friend and I don’t know what to do! Please help a girl out. Thanks for your wisdom M&M! -A Freshman Girl

Advice: We are gonna start this by saying this guy sounds like he doesn’t deserve you. He is just bip-boppin around from girl to girl, each time just looking to add a notch to his belt. Once again we are going to have to recommend the hot-pocket technique. For those who are unaware, the hot-pocket technique is where you immediately drop the individual and sever all ties, forever. This is the cleanest and most effective way to end a toxic relationship. And as for your “best friend,” if she is a real homie she would understand why talking to him would upset you. If she doesn’t, it’s simple. Hotpocket. Thanks for writing in.

Question 5: What are Tuesday’s for? -A Junior Boy

Advice: This doesn’t even need an answer. Saturdays are for the boys.

Am I even in this article?”

— Andrew Zimlich

Question 6: My girlfriend has been unfaithful! I noticed that recently she had been acting weird, almost like she was hiding something. I consulted one of my boys (we’ll call him Gator) and he assured me that she was just in a funk and that I shouldn’t worry. I wasn’t convinced. One night, after she cancelled our plans to Hulu and hang, I decided that I was going to get to the bottom of this. I rode my bike over to her house, and to my dismay I saw Gator’s bike laying in the front yard! I immediately walked up to the front door and pounded on the oak panels. When she opened the door I let her know that I was removing her name and the heart emoji next to it from my Instagram bio. But now we are back at school and I’m not sure what to do when I see her or Gator around the building. What should I do? -A Freshman Boy 

Advice: Well let’s kick this off with these few comments. To your (hopefully) ex girlfriend we say this: you are scum. To Gator: You violated the sacred honor of Bro Code and for that you should be shamed for the remainder of your days, never again to be invited to rage. And to you, our sweet, sweet boy, you go out into the halls and make it known that you are not the bigger person. Never let these two animals live down this heinous act. Tell everyone, even your teachers. They do not deserve to feel comfortable in this building. If they move schools, tell everyone you know at that school. If they leave the state, DM the people at their new school and fill them in on the type of person that their new classmates our. Once you’ve successfully ruined them, go out and find a new boo, one that values you and shows you your worth.   

Question 7: Hey guys. I have a major concern in my life. Obviously, y’all know the male body doesn’t grow at the same time as the females do. But that doesn’t mean my heart won’t love. The only problem is the girl of my dreams is roughly 8 inches taller than I am. I want to pursue my passion but I’m afraid that our different altitudes will create a fundamental issue in the relationship. I need your help guys. – A Freshman Boy

Advice: Honestly, we would recommend going for a girl more your speed because although some might question your fragile masculinity, girls typically are attracted to guys taller than them. Go find you a short gal young king.

Question 8: Is the cafeteria food real or is it all that genetically modified crap I keep seeing all over Buzzfeed? – A Sophomore Girl

Advice: We can assure you that the food in the cafeteria is 100% real. We have both been eating it since our freshman year and we have grown into strong, capable, strapping young men. The cafeteria lunches (this year especially) are prepared by the hands of angels and blessed with all the nutrients and life that a growing child could ever need. 13/10 we recommend the school lunch.

Question 9: Should I date up? – A Freshman Girl

Advice: Of course, no restrictions dog, you do you. You already know them sophomores been snooping out for the younger crop rolling in, so take advantage of the opportunity. Dating up offers opportunities not available in your own grade such as driving and a more mature way about themselves. Just follow your heart and remember that at the end of the day we are in high school so don’t be daydreaming about wedding bells just because you noticed an upperclassman glancing over at you.

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